I got glasses and a Christmas tree.

The tree is tiny but festive.

The glasses are new.

In the past two days I have been told (by some of my favorite 14 and 15 year olds) that I look like the following: a librarian, a professor, a lawyer, and (my favorite) a genius.

(I LOVE CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!)

the very cliche "what I'm thankful for" post

Today is (apparently) the day when you are supposed to reflect on all the things for which you are thankful. I attempt to do this everyday, because I have been extraordinarily blessed. However, sometimes I fail, and since today is a whole day specifically set aside for being thankful (and for eating...let's be real.) here it is: my 2010 thankful list.

1. My family.

2. My friends.

3. Having a wonderful roommate (who also happens to be a wonderful friend).

4. My education.

5. My job.

6. My health.

7. That my body has zero aversion to gluten or dairy allowing me to chow down on bread and cheese daily.

8. That God is on my team. He's the captain and the coach and all of the teammates. He's got it all under control, and for that, I am the most thankful of all.

Happy Thanksgiving!!

life moves.

I sit at my kitchen table and look out the window at my right at the bare trees and the quickly fading blue of the winter sky. Alexi Murdoch sings me into the kitchen as I start making (yet another) dinner for one.

Life moves on.

It moves in the quiet moments - in the trips to the mailbox and the coupon clipping and the grocery list making. It moves in your roommates 25th birthday and the beginning of another basketball season. Moments pass and life moves.

I cut off nine inches of hair this week.

Pride and Prejudice makes my heart happy.

My Saturday evening:

- sweats

- hot chocolate

- this wonderful movie

I am truly in need of nothing else...

...(although, I wouldn't mind having a Mr. Darcy of my own).

Autumn in Colorado.

I love autumn. (If you know me at all and especially if you read this blog, you probably already know that but it doesn't hurt to say it again.) When I lived in California, the most depressing time of the year for me was right around the end of September/beginning of October because everything. stayed. the. same. I was anticipating cooler weather and changing colors and an excuse to wear sweaters and boots and cozy jackets. Instead all I got was (yet another) 75 degree day. (I realize that many will scoff at me for complaining about continuous 75 degree days, but I like variety in my weather, dang it!)

But I'm no longer in California and I am once again getting to experience the wonder of Colorado fall.

My heart is happy.

In other news, I have started a new job (again) that I am loving. I feel so blessed and happy to have finally found a direction and purpose for my life, and I love that I like going to work every day. The one downside of the job is that I took a cut in hours from my last job, but it is worth it to have my happiness restored.

Here's a picture of the fam and me in the mountains recently:

Life is good.

Colorado fall = perfection.

reflections on one year.

I meant to sit down (probably wearing sweats and drinking tea) and reflect. I meant to take time to really think about it. I meant to dwell on it a bit. I meant to make something significant of the fact that I moved one year ago.

But then...life got in the way.

And I guess, in a way, that's the most poignant reflection of all. I have a life to get in the way of sitting and reflecting on the many ways things have changed during the past year. I no longer spend my time counting the days. I no longer spend my weekends wishing I was in Santa Barbara. I no longer wonder if I made the right decision in moving back to the home front. I'm here and life is here and I am happily living the day to day.

Yes...it has been a year. And when I think back, I remember that a year ago right now I was probably laying in the fetal position on my parents' guest bed crying myself to sleep. I remember how miserable I was...that I couldn't shake off the cover of melancholy and that simply getting up and out of bed was a chore. But more than that, I remember the way that the sun sprinkling through the autumn leaves awoke a little piece of my heart. And I remember the way that I quickly grew used to seeing my best friend every couple of weeks and how wonderful it felt to be able to share my daily life with my parents again instead of simply sharing it all via bi-weekly phone calls. And I remember the first time I stood outside in the silence of the falling snow and reminded myself just how much I love winter. And then, slowly but surely, my heart was whole again and I was happy again and my life was mine again and I was a stronger and more confident and more complete person. And I remember how I woke up one morning with the sun shining in my window and snow sparkling on the ground and I realized that I was happy.

So there it is - my reflections on one year. And while I sit here listening to Alexi Murdoch, just as I did almost exactly one year ago, I can truly say that even breathing feels alright.

ramblings on wind. and trees. and the state of my soul.

It's another beautiful Sunday (although a little bit hotter than I would prefer) and I am once again sitting on the back porch at my parents' house enjoying the breeze, some iced tea, and the company of my dog.

(I love the sound of wind blowing through the trees...it reminds me of camping and my mountain upbringing and moments of spiritual clarity.)

Right now the trees are telling me to stop worrying about my future and to stop trying to plan everything and to just be. To be content. To lean my head back in this most comfortable lawn chair and watch the clouds float by in the endless blue sky.

Did you know that in Hebrew, the word for "wind" is the same as the word for "Spirit"?

Today, the wind is gentle and calming.

And today, my soul feels calm.

finding perfection in the imperfect.

I'm sitting on my perfect back porch in the perfect evening sunlight in the perfect Colorado autumn weather with my (sometimes...okay, rarely) perfect pooch sitting by my side. In this moment, my life is, well....perfect.

There is a lot that is not perfect about my job, but since my day has been so wonderful and the sun is shining so beautifully right now, I'm going to take this opportunity to document the good things about my job and save them for a day when things are not looking quite so bright.

I walk in the door of my classroom every day to be greeted by bunches of beautiful (sometimes messy), smiling faces. I enter to squeals and shouts of "Miss Kelsey!!!!" and "I missed you!" and "look at my new pink cowboy boots...do you love them!?" Every day I am welcomed as if I were returning from a year long absence, not one of only a few hours.

I get to spend every day teaching these wonderful children things about the world. Yes, I get to teach them things like how to write their names and the seven days of the week and that there are twelve months every year. But I also get to teach them to treat their friends with kindness and that smiling gets you much further than whining and that if you share your lion toy with someone today, then they will surely share their elephant with you tomorrow. I get to see their little minds process the world around them and begin to understand things...that the leaves turn yellow in the autumn and that flowers come up in the spring. To understand that their mothers' name is not actually "mommy" but that's what we call them because they are our mothers. To understand that they are responsible for their own actions. And most of all, I get to see them come to realize that they are special, unique, and very loved.

Today I spent the afternoon in the beautiful Colorado sunshine while two little ones "painted" my hair and "decorated" it for me. I watched another one conquer his fear of the big slide and then proceed to go down it repeatedly for an hour. I talked with a child about his mommy and daddy and his sister and heard all the details of his soccer team and his favorite movies.

I have been given the honor of becoming a part of each child's life.

There is much that is wrong with the place that I work. And I will continue to search for new jobs. But until I find one, I can return here - to this place and this feeling - and know that I will survive. I will survive because of the smiling faces that will greet me tomorrow with every bit as much joy and excitement (and just as many hugs) as they did today and the day before that.

And that joy is enough to get me through even the longest of days.

beautiful Colorado

Look at that sky.

Look at those mountains.

My Colorado heart is bursting with beauty-inspired joy...

...to God be the glory.

I have found joy.

There have been a lot of things going on in my life that have had me in the "poor me" frame of mind. And they are legitimate worries - job troubles, money concerns, and less than ideal dating situations. But the thing is...I am so blessed...there is sorrow much greater than my own in this world.

An acquaintance/friend of mine from college lost her mom today to breast cancer. My former pastor's 6 year old daughter is battling cancer with a 35% estimated survival rate. One of my closest friends from childhood is battling brain cancer at the age of 24. She pushed her wedding back a year because she is so sick from chemo and radiation that she knew she wouldn't be able to handle a wedding right now. And the list goes on. This world is fallen and imperfect. It sucks most of the time. But in the midst of it all, we have been given joy. We have been given love unfailing. We have been given salvation.

Each day will have sorrow of its own. My job problems and money concerns are not going to disappear overnight. But each day is also going to have incredible beauty and unexpected blessings in great abundance.

I have found Joy. And it has made my life worth living.

updates galore!

(Sometimes I wonder why I feel the need to update on here, because I don't think anybody reads this and I really don't think anybody who doesn't already know what's going on in my life reads this, but oh well. I'm doing it anyway. My blog, my rules.)

So...Rachelle got married. My best friend got married in the most perfect and wonderful wedding ceremony of all time. I don't think I can put it down in words because it was really just. that. good. I'm beyond thrilled that she has found such a wonderful man. And as I said in my Maid of Honor toast, I truly believe that Ryan is the best man to love my best friend for the rest of her life.

In other news, I moved into a new apartment recently. That's right...I made it out of the parentals' basement! (Not that living there wasn't great...it was genuinely the best thing I could have imagined for the first year back, but I'm excited about this change, too.) I love my apartment and love having Meg here and getting to live with her again. I'll post pictures someday...after we unpack and it isn't quite so chaotic.

I'm still teaching preschool. It's still just a job. Don't love it, don't hate it.

I just bought plane tickets to go to Santa Barbara for a weekend in October for a friend's wedding. I can't wait to see everyone and spend a little time at the beach :).

Autumn is coming. I can feel it in the crispness of the breezes and the chill of the early morning air. I love this time of year...something about it just speaks home and comfort into my heart.

Meg baked banana bread last night.

Life....life is good.

she's getting married!

My best friend and I have always been the coolest.

And now she's getting married.

Pray for Daisy

When I lived in Santa Barbara, I attended a church called Reality on and off. I didn't always love everything about that church, but the one thing that consistently amazed me and spoke to me was the pastor, Britt Merrick. Britt's sermons always seemed to speak to exactly what was going on in my life, and I grew quite a bit in my spiritual life due to his sermons.

Britt's daughter has been battling cancer for just about a year now. She has been in remission for the past few months, but they recently found another tumor in her abdomen and they are now fully immersed in this battle once again. Even though I don't personally know Britt or his family, the hardship that they are experiencing is tugging at my heartstrings lately. Daisy Love is 6 years old, and from the descriptions of those who know her, I gather that she is a bright, energetic, and sweet little girl with the beautiful, unswerving faith of a child.

Please take a few minutes and send up a prayer for sweet Daisy Love and her family...

Here is the website her family has been updating regarding her journey through cancer and her current status: http://prayfordaisy.com/

alleluia.

The heavens declare the glory of God;

the skies proclaim the work of his hands.

- Psalm 19:1

preschoolers.....

I'm sitting at the kitchen table with the sounds of the sprinklers running outside and the attic fan running inside. It's quiet and peaceful and I am glad.

I'm not sure I'm cut out to be a preschool teacher. Don't get me wrong - the newest job is a BIG step up from the last couple I have had (with the exception of working for you, Michele - that was the best job ever!) I feel like this is a job I can do for a while - at least a year - without wanting to die at the end of every day. However, I also have had a headache for two weeks straight. I'm hoping it will go away, but the evidence gathered by two weeks of work is saying that it won't, so I had better either get used to the headache or gear myself up for an Advil addiction. (Simply put: preschoolers are loud. And kind of annoying.)

I had an epiphany the other day, while I was struggling to get Ellie, my super-sweet but super-spastic lab, to stay on her dog bed in the corner of the room. No matter how many different ways I tried, she still snuck off the bed and ended up in the middle of the room, getting her dirty black hair all over the clean off-white carpet. The epiphany came about as I was saying for the umpteenth time, "Ellie, get. on. your. mat. Stay there. ELLIE! Sit. Stay!" whilst snapping - it was exactly the same thing I say at work. Literally. During nap time, this is me: "get on your mat. Lay down. Stay there. STAY ON YOUR MAT!" The epiphany is - preschoolers = animals. And I'm not sure I'm cut out for taking care of animals all day long.

The good news, however, is that each day is getting better. I'm getting into the swing of things, and while I'm fairly certain that this is a job I will never love, it is one that I can easily tolerate, and even enjoy at moments. I just know that, starting right now, I need to be praying for patience (and would appreciate others' prayers for patience, as well), because if I don't find some more of it somewhere (anywhere!) the next year of my life is going to be a long one, filled with lots of scolding and finger-snapping.

So...in conclusion - not my dream job. But one that doesn't make me want to curl up in a little ball in the corner of my room and cry every night. So....a step in the right direction!

And, in case you missed it before (because I know I miss it all the time...) God is good. He is faithful and merciful and just so good.

Amen.

summer!

the sound of a lawn mower...windows open at night...sunscreen every morning...the smell of grass and afternoon rain...

...it's summer.

happy.

my new job(s).

So...the last three weeks or so have been a little crazy.

Reader's Digest version: Got job at coffee shop. Hated job at coffee shop. Meltdown. Action plan. Got new job at preschool. Quit job at coffee shop. Happiness.

Extended version: I finally got a job at a coffee shop called Dazbog Coffee (a Russian-founded, Colorado-based chain who are feebly attempting to compete with Starbucks). Basically minimum wage, 35 minute drive from my house (which is even worse when you have to be at work at 5:30 am), and crazy foreign bosses (I have a knack for finding those, apparently...) were all factors that contributed to the quick realization that this job was perhaps the last thing I wanted to spend my time doing. After a week, I couldn't do it anymore, thus: meltdown followed by action plan. However, my action plan didn't actually have time to take place because the next day my mom drove by a preschool that was hiring, grabbed me an application, and 20 minutes later I was hired as a preschool teacher. The following day I put in my two weeks notice at Dazbog, and I am currently finishing out my last two weeks as a Barista for the Lazy Hills Dazbog Coffee. I start as a preschool teacher at Jordan Alexander's Preschool on June 7th.

Here's the thing: God is good. All the time, God is good. Not only do I have a full time job, but I have a full time job that I could potentially really love. God is good.

Amen.

new Greg goodness!

Greg Laswell.....why are you so amazing?!

Take a Bow is all I will be listening to for the next couple of months. The man speaks straight to my soul.

so. freaking. good.

trust.

trust -

is a lesson that i've been learning (in varying degrees of intensity) every day of my short 23 years.

sometimes it comes easily. but most of the time it doesn't. and after a short period of rest -

here i am again.

needing to trust. that there is a plan for my life. a plan to build me up, not break me down. that i am not walking alone through life. that the One who has brought me safely thus far will continue to guide my steps.

trust.

welcome home.

This is my formal apology to you (the three or four of you who read these thoughts if mine) for my very extended absence. My quietness as of late is a direct reflection on my unwillingness to pay exhorbant fees for the usage of Internet. (Yes, Mom, I am aware of the many economic lessons present there. I'm simply choosing not to get into them right now.).

I have spent the past three weeks in Europe - London, Paris, Interlaken (Switzerland), Salzburg, and Vienna. It probably goes without saying that it has been an amazing three weeks. But it has also been an exhausting, trying, and revealing three weeks. I feel like I needed this trip. I needed to go out on my own (with a friend, of course!) and travel. I would say that I needed to get it out of my system, but that doesn't convey the quite right idea. I needed to see just a little bit more of the world, have just one more youthful adventure before I settle down into real life. And now that I have...I think I'm ready. I think I am ready to stay put, to get a job, to live in one place for more than a year. Simply put, I'm ready to start building a life for myself.

My trip was an incredible experience - we saw and did so many things. I will post some pictures and stories soon, but for now I content just to be home. The memories of the past three weeks will be with me forever, but my life is here and I am so grateful for that.

a prayer.

may the Lord bless us and keep us...may He make His face shine upon us and be gracious unto us...may He lift up His countenance upon us and give us peace.

now and forever.

amen.

recently...

...I spent a next-to-perfect week in beautiful Santa Barbara.

...I purchased a ticket for a three-week vacation to Europe.

...Lauren came to visit.

...I got fitted for my maid of honor dress while seeing my best friend try on the most beautiful wedding dress ever.

...I discovered a wonderful musical artist (Gregory Alan Isakov) courtesy of Mr. Gray.

...I turned 23. Weird.

...I realized that the 14 and 15 year olds with whom I spend the majority of my time have endeared themselves to me in such a way that the impending end of the basketball season (and subsequent absence of them from my life) breaks my heart a little bit.

...I have fully committed to watching season 9 of American Idol, beginning to end.

...Kellie and Zak got engaged.

...it's snowed a couple of times.

...and the universal truth remains: God is good.

i love this place.

thank God.

i'll think of a witty title later.

When I ran track in high school, my friends and I played a game called "Anywhere but Here." This game usually came about on days when the temperature had peaked at about 8 degrees and snow was whipping around at breakneck speeds and even the craziest of winter weather-lovers refused to come outside. We were the only ones out braving the weather, in our multiple layers of clothing that had to be stripped off at the last second so we could dash around the track through snow and ice and trying to avoid frostbite while wearing our little spandex running outfits. Well, us and our parents (even more miserable than we were, bundled up and sitting on the freezing metal bleachers. Bless their hearts.) Sitting on the grass in the middle of the track, wearing as many clothes as possible, and cuddled together to preserve body heat, we would play Anywhere but Here. We would close our eyes and imagine the place we wanted to be, which inevitably was somewhere at least 60 degrees warmer than the place we really were. Marisa's always included The Famous Jett Jackson (ex: "I would be on a beach in Hawaii with Jett Jackson.") I don't remember everyone else's (after all, not much can stand out more than The Famous Jett Jackson), but I do remember that I didn't have a norm. I just always wanted to be "anywhere but here."

I haven't thought about that game in a really long time...but the phrase popped into my head today. Not because I wanted to be somewhere else, but because I realized that I wouldn't want to be anywhere but here. And there aren't words to explain what a relief it was to realize that fact. Don't get me wrong - a large part of my heart is SEVERELY missing many of the residents of Santa Barbara, California right now - but I feel at peace here.

Speaking of Santa Barbara, I had a wonderful trip there. It's an indescribable feeling, really, to be in the presence of people who just know and love you so well. There were so many great conversations, so many joyful moments, and so much comfort in just being with my best friends again. I couldn't have asked for a better week. If only I wouldn't have had to waste a few hours every day on sleep!

In conclusion: life is good. And I am glad.

PS - my good friend Eric Rindal gives me lots of love in his blog, so I figured I would do the same, even though I strongly doubt that he ever actually reads my blog. Thanks for being awesome, Eric. There's your shout out.

so many happy moments...

I am sitting on the floor of my old bedroom. The air still smells the same, the palm trees still blow outside, and the neighbors' footsteps are still too loud. It almost feels like I never left...but I did.

The greatest sense of relief surrounded me today, though, when I realized that I have enjoyed every second of this vacation, but I am also excited to go home (to snow and family and coaching and gas for under $3). There was a time when "home" meant palm tree lined streets and beachy breezes, but that time is no more. Santa Barbara (and the amazing people in it) will always be special to me, but it is no longer home.

That said, I can tell you that this has been the most perfect vacation I could have imagined. My only complaint is that there simply aren't enough hours in the day. There are far too many wonderful people here and just not enough time to give them all the attention they deserve.

I'll put up some pictures after I get back home, but for now, I will just say how extraordinarily blessed I am.

My heart feels full and at peace.

God has certainly been good to me.

last day.

I'm writing this from the office that is not my office anymore. Today is my last day of work. I realized today that this is my third job in a year. How's that for turnaround?

People keep asking me what my plan is now, assuming that I have a plan (after all, why else would I be leaving such a great job?) Well, I will answer both of those questions. (1) I have no plan. And (2) I'm leaving because I basically hate it. There will probably come a point in my life in which I will need to take a job I hate simply for the money, but I haven't reached that point yet. And until I do, I refuse to do a job that makes me unhappy. I want to wake up every morning and be excited for the day, not dreading it. So, I'm moving on.

For now that means finishing the basketball season and then doing some travelling. And after that? I have no idea....and that's just fine with me.

So, for right now I'm going to go check my mail one last time (just in case) and then enjoy my first afternoon of unemployment (again.)

amazing grace, how sweet the sound.

It's funny...

...I woke up today and realized that I'm happy.

Despite the uncertainty surrounding my future, the fact that I live in my parents' basement, having significantly fewer close friends than I did before, and being "chronically single" (as my friend Lara put it), I am happy.

Honestly, for a while there I didn't think it would happen. I had a few rough days (weeks...months...) when I (quite dramatically) worried that I would go through the rest of my life being just a little bit more unhappy than I had been before. But, as usual, I was wrong. And God was right (shocker, I know). And here I am - in a life I never expected - finding myself once again at peace and filled with joy.

Isn't it amazing? How He transforms it all? How He redeems it all?

Isn't it amazing that the simple truth - that His ways are better than my own - is so incredibly profound?

Isn't it amazing that He loves us?!

He. Is. Amazing.

i'm starting to understand what it means to be an adult...

Being an adult means making difficult choices.
It means that you can't just sit back and let other people decide for you.
It means sometimes sacrificing something important to you simply because you have no other option.
It means that the choices you make are slightly more important than which pair of jeans to buy or whether or not you should go to your friend's sleepover even though the girl in class that you hate will be there.



But mostly, being an adult means not agonizing over the difficult decisions because you've lived long enough to know how much worse it could be.