pictures.

Earlier this weekend, I decided to finally transfer some old pictures onto this computer, which I got during my junior year of college.  I couldn't stop laughing at all of the wonderful people and silly moments I found from my first two years at Westmont.  So, because it's my blog and I can, I'm going to share some of the favorites with you:

(Disclaimer: they're in reverse order of when they happened, but I'm too lazy to switch it all around.  Again - my blog, my rules.)

The girls at spring formal sophomore year:

Possibly the most disturbing photo - Will, Brandon, & Jason at Spring Sing:

Ha.  I have no idea:

Eric and I during Potter's Clay sophomore year - why does he have marker on his chin?!  Also, I am VERY excited:

B. Woods as a leaping gazelle.  Impressive, no?:

Juliann and Scott at Sadie's - polar opposites:

Ryan and Jon all buckled in & safety conscious on our sophomore year camping trip:

The Boodles looking glamourous at Emily's birthday celebration:

Josiah.  'Nuff said:

hahaha.  Christie looks like a fish:

giant group of pumpkin carvers/pumpkin gut throwers sophomore year:

I just love this one:

Brandon and Jon being, well, Brandon and Jon:

Me being super hardcore in Montana the summer after freshman year...:

...followed by Emily & I realizing that it's impossible to be super hardcore when you're wearing these glasses:

I've been so blessed....

:)

silence.

Tonight I'm writing in silence.  I'm generally a background music kind of girl (well, actually, I'm a sing along really loudly and sometimes dance to the music kind of girl, but that doesn't always lend itself to a good writing environment).  

But tonight music would wash away the sounds of laughter and love and friendship (even from miles away) that my heart needs to imprint before I close my eyes.  So I write to remember.  But I write in silence.

(thank you for: friends-for sharing little moments-for laughter and honesty-for warm apple pie---for falling asleep with a smile).

life.

This is a picture of me as a child. Feel free to make fun of me. Everyone does.

I feel like I've been extra-specially dramatic lately.  And, to be fair, I'm in a stage of my life that speaks to the dramatic...life changes tend to do that.  However, I miss the humor and joy that I am typically able to find in the small moments.  So, for the next few minutes anyway, I'm going to search for the joy.

I'm sitting in Starbucks right now, utilizing their free internet (thanks to having a registered gift card...) because the internet at my house currently isn't working.  This shouldn't be a big deal, really, except for the fact that 90% of my current social life depends on the internet....thank you gmail and facebook chat.  Anyways, I'm just sitting here at an out of the way table right by the door to the patio, minding my own business, when a girl walks in and falls down.  Seriously.  She just fell down right in front of me and spilled her coffee all over my feet.  Now, maybe this makes me a bad person, but I almost started laughing.  Who does that?!  Don't get me wrong...I was (and still am) concerned for her well-being, but as soon as she stood back up and assured me that she was, in fact, okay - it was all I could do to keep from laughing outloud.  I mean, come on - that's funny.  Really, it's funny because it's the kind of thing that would happen to me.

Also today, I got to actually hang out with the kids at work.  Usually I only spend a few minutes with them, picking them up from school or hanging out with them until a counselor comes back from the bathroom, but today we were short-staffed, so I got to spend a good amount of time with them.  They were insane.  Maybe it's because of the cold weather or maybe it was the fact that there were some new kids or maybe some sort of alignment of planets and moons...but for whatever reason they were wild children.  So, I did what any logical person would do in that situation - I made them run laps.  For every lap they did around the playground, I gave them one Skittle.  (It's amazing what you can get kids to do with the promise of candy...).  I can't even begin to tell you how funny it is to see 25 kids running in circles around a playground and then ending in front of me with hands extended for one single Skittle.  Best moments of my job thus far.

And now I'm going to go back to listening to the incredibly talented Elise Witek...her album has become the soundtrack for my life since I moved back to Colorado (go download it on iTunes right now...).  And I think I'll read the latest entry on my friend Eric's blog.  You should probably go read it.  He's pretty funny, I guess.

Have a good night.

And here's to finding the joy...

love.

Bundled in my flannel pj pants and an old highschool sweatshirt, tonight I rocked myself on the porch swing, enjoying the kind of chill that only follows a perfect Colorado day.  I listened to the silence (which is not actually silence at all, but the sound of life being lived) and felt little pieces of my heart start to fall back into place as I remembered just how much I love this place.  With the breeze cooling my cheeks and the crickets singing in the background, I finally let my mind wander in a way that I've resisted until now, afraid of what may appear there.  

I thought about two weeks (that feel like a lifetime) ago, when I was surrounded by the most wonderful of friends.  I thought about each person in that tiny apartment, there simply to say goodbye to me, and thanked God for who they are - for who they have helped me to become.  I miss them (I miss all of you) in a way that doesn't fade with time.  Photos hang on the walls and cover the many flat surfaces of my new room...reminders of happy times with those dearest to my heart.

And though it hurts (it actually physically hurts) my heart, the smile which graces my lips when I think of that goodbye party (and every moment that went into every friendship represented there) reminds me that the ache in my heart simply exists because of the many blessings I have been given.

And now, I fall asleep with a heart quiet and peaceful because of the Love of God...the Love that sat next to me on the swing and speaks to me in the evening breeze.

update.

I decided it was time for a life update that is a little less vague and emotional than the past few have been.  Today, for the first time in a week, I felt the smallest glimmer of joy again.  I'm still far from perfect, far from not being lonely.  But today, it feels like somewhere, somehow, my world will be right again.  

I went to a new church this morning, all by myself.  I just walked in, went right up to the information table and started asking questions and signing myself up for things all over the place.  If I'm going to make friends here, I'm going to have to be intentional about it and put in a little bit of effort.  Anyway, I loved this church.  It's a younger congregation, but still lots of families around; modern music, but not out of control; lots of small groups and home groups to get involved with; and 80% of the congregation was wearing either North Face or Patagonia jackets.  And, if that wasn't enough to draw me in, the message was unbelievable.  It's like the pastor read my blog and my journals of the past month and then preached about it.  I sat in the back with tears welling up, this time not because I was sad or lonely or scared, but simply because of the awesome power and sovereignty and LOVE of God.  He is so good.

Here are some photos of my life in Colorado:

My parents' house (and mine too, for the time being), complete with Heidi in the driveway:

My new room in my parent's house (please note the peach-colored walls and the fact that Friends is playing on the TV):

And another angle:

And my most faithful companions for the past week...

Crazy-sweet Ellie girl:

and Jeff the Cat:

(Eric - I was going to include a picture of Vanessa for you in this section also, but then I remembered that I can't. Because she's invisible. So you'll just have to imagine what she looks like.  I'll give you a hint, though - she looks like me, only I'm way prettier...obviously.)

Yes, my heart still hurts and I'm still feeling a bit lost and confused.  However, as I sit here on the back porch in the perfect fall weather, with the sunlight spilling into my lap and a cool autumn breeze ruffling my hair across my face, the parts of my heart that so deeply longed for this place are waking up.  It will take some time, but I think I can learn to love life here. 

God is good, isn't He?

I'll leave you with two things:

1) The lyrics to the Alexi Murdoch song "All My Days".  If you don't know this song, go download it right now.  Seriously - right now...this can wait.

Well I have been searching all of my days
All of my days
Many a road, you know
I’ve been walking on
All of my days
And I’ve been trying to find
What’s been in my mind
As the days keep turning into night

Well I have been quietly standing in the shade
All of my days
Watch the sky breaking on the promise that we made
All of this rain
And I’ve been trying to find
What’s been in my mind
As the days keep turning into night

Well many a night I found myself with no friends standing near
All of my days
I cried aloud
I shook my hands
What am I doing here
All of these days
For I look around me
And my eyes confound me
And it’s just too bright
As the days keep turning into night

Now I see clearly
It’s you I’m looking for 
All of my days
Soon I’ll smile
I know I’ll feel this loneliness no more
All of my days
For I look around me
And it seems He found me
And it’s coming into sight
As the days keep turning into night
As the days keep turning into night
And even breathing feels all right
Yes, even breathing feels all right
Now even breathing feels all right
It’s even breathing
Feels all right

2) a picture of me looking (mostly) happy in Colorado.  (Michele - recognize the scarf?  Also, I wore one of the sweaters I bought when we were at Old Navy together yesterday, so it's like we were hanging out.  It's my new favorite article of clothing.)

I pray that today you will be overwhelmed with the strength of the love of God....

(...and then even breathing will feel alright.)

survival.

steps to survival:

1) go to the doctor since you haven't eaten for the past 6 days.  get tested for an ulcer.  wait for results.

2) admit that you are, in fact, human and may have made some mistakes.

3) realize that, in His mercy and glory, God can and will redeem those mistakes.

4) understand that nothing has to be permanent.

5) figure out a way to have your own space, even if it means moving down into your parent's basement with peach-colored walls and a mountain goat head mounted in the corner.

6) start. praying.  not the half-hearted, only-when-there's-something-really-important-that-i-want kind of praying that you have been doing.  acknowledge that you may never get your act together and just lay it all down at His feet.

7) look out your window at the beautiful colorado sky and remember that there is Something greater than you out there.  Someone who loves more fully and more deeply and more perfectly than we can know.  Someone who's purposes always prevail over our own.

May the Lord bless us and keep us tonight and always...

clinging.

"Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.  My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me." - Psalm 63:7-8

My soul is clinging to the Lord...

morning.

I woke up this morning to a clear blue sky and sunlight pouring through the window.  While my heart is still very tender, it was a pleasant reminder that I do, in fact, like this place that I have decided to make my home.

I'm getting ready to go to my first day of work.  I'm nervous beyond belief, but I'm excited to have something to do today besides sit and unpack and think about what I've left behind.

I'm sure I'll be back tonight to tell you tales of the first day adventure and further lament my loneliness...

"My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him.  He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken...Trust in him at all times, O people; pour our your hearts to him, for God is our refuge." - Psalm 62:1-2 & 8

(prayers are still very much appreciated.)

sad.

I could easily lie right now.  I could say that everything is great...that I'm totally at peace and happy with my decision to move to Colorado.  I could say that I'm not doubting why I'm here...that I'm not having maybe the biggest freak out of my life.  I could say that I'm happy.

But I'm all about the honesty lately, especially right here (this is my blog - I can say whatever I want.)  And what I want to say is that right now is not good.  I'm not good.

Until the moment I walked into the front door of my (parents') house this evening, it wasn't real.  And now it is so real: Guess what, Kels?  You're not going back to California in a couple of days or weeks or months.  You're here now.  And here to stay, at least for a year.

And I know it's right and that (eventually) it's going to be amazing.  But right now is just really, really sad.  

(but thank you, Jesus, that you are sitting here beside me on this bed as my mind reels...

...and the tears fall.)

prayers.

I'm stuck in between my past ocean dreams and my future mountain life.

I would prefer either over this middle ground.

If you're feeling in the praying way, I would appreciate some prayers for peace.

My heart is feeling sad.

leaving.

Leaving is hard.  Especially when you have wonderful friends who love you so well...

...and you are leaving them behind.

It's easy to question your decisions, to rethink your convictions, to doubt the direction in which you are moving.  I thank God that, despite a little anxiety and a lot of loneliness, I am not questioning, not rethinking, not doubting.

I'm trusting.

This has been a most difficult and wonderful week.  But I've gotten to spend much of it with some of the people I love most in the world.  Also, they're all just beautiful.  Look:

I am blessed beyond belief.

And now I venture on, full of love and hope.

May God bless you all, my friends.

blessings.

Today I walked on the beach and talked about life with my dear friend Eric. 

I ate frozen yogurt and played on a rope swing with my new friend Renee.

I drank coffee and giggled with my soul sisters Allyson and Michele.

And now I have a whole apartment full of wonderful women cooking me dinner in the next room.

My heart feels full.  I am so blessed.

goodbye.

i really wish that going there didn't mean that i have to leave here.

i hate saying goodbye.