Friday, January 30, 2009

grumpy.

Right now I'm grumpy.  So I'm going to bed.

But I wish I was going to bed back on that cruise ship of a month ago.

Yes, if I could be anywhere in the world right now, that's where it would be.

Maybe I'll at least dream about it.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

accidents.

I woke up this morning feeling flustered, stressed, and not at all rested....due to my dream.
I walked into the living room and immediately proceeded to spill half of my bowl of cereal on the couch.
In the process of cleaning up the couch, I spilled a glass of water on the ground.

I'm pretty sure I should just go back to bed and try it all again later.


However, despite the way this day has begun, I'm feeling pretty great today.  Yesterday was one of those rare wonderful days where I just spent the whole thing laughing.  There's nothing like a good laugh to make you feel good about life again.  I went out last night with some old friends and made some new friends, which is always a wonderful thing.  

In other news, I have an interview tomorrow (!!!).  I'm trying not to be nervous, but I haven't been very successful in that endeavor.  I would really appreciate your prayers about this, because I would really LOVE to get this job.  

So I'm going to go embark upon my day and hope that the rest of it isn't as accident prone as this morning.

May God bless you today, dear friends :).

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

hello.

Life is, once again, different than I expected.

First of all, let's just get this out of the way: yes, I'm still unemployed. It sucks. I don't want to talk about it.

Other than my lingering unemployment and impending financial crisis, however, life is quite lovely these days. There are a lot of people who are very near and dear to my heart who have recently returned to Santa Barbara from various far away places. Things are better - I am better - when they are around.
I feel I should have more to say. And I suppose that if I really put my head and my heart to work right now, I would. But I'm hungry and a little bit tired, so I think that instead I will simply leave it at this.

May God bless you, my friends.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

brugge.

today I miss this:


I would really like to be back there someday soon.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

beach.

So, as much as I know that I need a job and really should have a job, days like today make being unemployed pretty darn great.

hours and hours at the beach...
tons of volleyball...
sunshine...
great friends...

yeah.  I could get used to that.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

status.

This blank screen, usually so inviting, is intimidating today. 

I feel like so much is happening in my head and my heart, and even in my soul, that to write about it would be an injustice to the magnitude of the uncertainty that is the ruler of the day. 

Today Christie and I discussed the ways in which we are feeling stretched lately.  And for me, that was in pretty much every way.  The interesting thing is, though, that right now my biggest challenge is the fact that I have NOTHING to do every day.  I am a busy kind of person.  Not doing anything...spending my days in solitude with very little purpose is exhausting in a strange kind of way.  Exhausting because every moment is spent worrying and thinking and obsessing, even, about what's next.  Where am I going to live?  What am I going to do?  Where and how and when am I going to find a job?  

But then it seems like my anxiety level changes every moment.  Take right now, for example.  I'm feeling perfectly content, perfectly calm, and totally unworried.  And I wish I could be confident that it would last, but I know it won't.  Because I don't seem to be strong enough to resist the worry that is sure to return.  Perhaps it is on a coffee break right now.  But it will be back.

I am learning, though.  And growing so much.  And, as I told Christie last night, I wouldn't trade being here in this stage of my life for anything.  It's not a fun place, really, but I'm glad to be here.  Because, the thing is, just because something is right doesn't mean that it's going to be easy.  My life is really hard right now, but it feels right.  I like the person I am becoming.

So, here's my status:
- no job
- more free time than I know what to do with
- very few obligations
- very little money
- amazing family
- great friends
- wonderful, wonderful life

Thank God for the amazing refining work He's been doing on me lately.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

tomorrow.

Tomorrow.  

I'm NOT going to school.  

Because I'm not in school anymore.  

Weird.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

trusting.

Some mornings in Santa Barbara it seems as if the city forgot to wake up.  The blanket of clouds was never tossed aside and the vibrance of morning never appears.  Instead the thick greyness remains throughout the day, subduing the sunlight and muting sounds.  Things move more slowly and more quietly.

Today is one of those days.

I woke up expecting the steady stream of sunlight that usually pours through the windows and instead was greeted with...quiet.

I set out on my morning run today cold and uninspired.  I thought that perhaps I could formulate some sort of plan for my life while I ran.  Or at least think of something profound to write in my blog.  Instead I found myself focused on nothing but how incredibly badly everything on my body hurt.  Knees, ankles, back, and hips strongly protested against my fitness mission.  And through my aching joints and burning muscles and gasping lungs, all I could think about is that the pain is worth it.  Because, eventually, that pain will decrease and I will once again find the pleasure in the activity that I actually did enjoy, once upon a time.  And then, because I really like to think of my life in a series of metaphors, I realized that this morning is a perfect metaphor for my current life situation.  The pain, uncertainty, fear and confusion of right now is worth it.  Because eventually, this time will open the door for the rest of my life.  A life that I will enjoy.

I spent a large part of the day yesterday right here: 


Nestled right there, in between the two branches of this beautiful tree, watching the evening light spill across the pond and into my lap.  I had a pretty intense argument with God there, angry with Him for hiding His plan for my future.  But after a while, when the breeze started blowing my hair across my face and the golden light starting warming my hands and toes and the children playing in the field in front of me fell over, giggling with joy, I realized that perhaps it was I who should be on the receiving end of the anger and frustration.  

See, I've always claimed to trust God's plan and timing for my life.  But, I've never really had to.  Not really.  Because the next step has already been planned for me.  I simply moved on to the next thing, no questions asked.  But now, the future is a wide open expanse before me and I am standing dead still at the beginning of it.  I have to trust that my Guide is going to appear and lead me through.  Ah, but it would be so much easier if I could only just do it all on my own.  It is a battle for surrender, and even though I know who the Victor will be, I'm still struggling to give it up.  As it turns out, my self-sufficiency muscles are a little bit overdeveloped and my trusting muscles are tragically weak.  This is going to take some serious work.  But I am trying.  I'm striving to trust and to be patient and to pray for peace and discernment.  I'm trying to talk to God and believe that He has a plan for me - not just for "the rest of my life" but for right now.  And for later today.  And for tomorrow.  And for ever.  

I'm trying to trust.   

Monday, January 5, 2009

courage.

The identity crisis that I thought I had so smoothly avoided has found me.  Sitting quietly, hidden in the place I call home, it was waiting for me.  When I walked into my sweet little apartment instead of being greeted by a feeling of home, comfort, and contentment, I was hit with a wave of panic, confusion, and loneliness.

It all began on the plane.  The very friendly man sitting next to me asked me if I live in Santa Barbara.  Instead of answering him quickly, like a normal person, I sat there and stared at him in confusion.  After he repeated his question with an expression on his face that wavered between concern and fear, I snapped out of it and told him that yes, in fact, I do live in Santa Barbara.  A simple enough answer.  The confusion, however, sprung from the fact that, every other time I have answered that question, I have said, "Yes - I go to school there."  But this time I was no longer allowed that qualifier.  Nope.  Now I simply live in Santa Barbara.  I am free to go anywhere in the world and, for right now at least, this is where I choose to be.  Exciting.  But SCARY.

As I sat there, thinking about my life and how incredibly different it is right now than it was three weeks ago, I felt the first signs of panic.  Somehow I managed to get my bag, get in my car, and make it home before the full-fledged panic set in.  And then, when I walked in the door, the aforementioned greeting ensured that I would not be feeling relaxed for some time.  Yes, I am in Santa Barbara, the city I consider home right now.  But no one else is here.  And I'm no longer a student.  And I don't have a job.  And I have no plan for getting one.  Scary.

As I sank down on the couch, feeling very alone, I reached for the book I had been reading on the plane - one of The Chronicles of Narnia.  I started reading again, hoping to distract myself for a while.  "Courage, dear heart."  That's what I read.  I almost missed it the first time.  But then I went back and read it again.  "Courage, dear heart."  It was still there.  And on the third time through - "Courage, dear heart," chills ran through my body, tears sprung to my eyes, and my worries just...melted away.  In those three words, simple though they are, I felt God.  He gave me courage.

The road ahead is completely unknown.  But God will give me feet for the path.  And I, His dear heart, will take courage and trust in His unfailing love.  It isn't making the path before me any easier or any more clear.  But trusting in Him takes away the worry, takes away the fear, and allows me to live with the courage that I so desperately want to possess.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

2008.

I feel obligated to write a "goodbye 2008, hello 2009" post.  So here it is.

2008 was a pretty remarkable year, full of many notable events, not the least of which was my graduation from Westmont College.  I now have a degree in English Literature.  Weird.  I've also experienced the devastation of a wildfire and been blessed by the restoration that followed it.  I've taken a life-changing trip to Israel and a pretty wonderful vacation to Mexico.  I've mourned.  I voted for the first time.  I've spent significant amounts of time in Santa Barbara, California and Littleton, Colorado, and few moments in some places in between.  I've made new friends and kept the old.  And I have continued to be grown and changed and refined into the woman that God intends me to be.

Welcome, 2009.  I look forward to what you have in store for me.