courage.

The identity crisis that I thought I had so smoothly avoided has found me.  Sitting quietly, hidden in the place I call home, it was waiting for me.  When I walked into my sweet little apartment instead of being greeted by a feeling of home, comfort, and contentment, I was hit with a wave of panic, confusion, and loneliness.

It all began on the plane.  The very friendly man sitting next to me asked me if I live in Santa Barbara.  Instead of answering him quickly, like a normal person, I sat there and stared at him in confusion.  After he repeated his question with an expression on his face that wavered between concern and fear, I snapped out of it and told him that yes, in fact, I do live in Santa Barbara.  A simple enough answer.  The confusion, however, sprung from the fact that, every other time I have answered that question, I have said, "Yes - I go to school there."  But this time I was no longer allowed that qualifier.  Nope.  Now I simply live in Santa Barbara.  I am free to go anywhere in the world and, for right now at least, this is where I choose to be.  Exciting.  But SCARY.

As I sat there, thinking about my life and how incredibly different it is right now than it was three weeks ago, I felt the first signs of panic.  Somehow I managed to get my bag, get in my car, and make it home before the full-fledged panic set in.  And then, when I walked in the door, the aforementioned greeting ensured that I would not be feeling relaxed for some time.  Yes, I am in Santa Barbara, the city I consider home right now.  But no one else is here.  And I'm no longer a student.  And I don't have a job.  And I have no plan for getting one.  Scary.

As I sank down on the couch, feeling very alone, I reached for the book I had been reading on the plane - one of The Chronicles of Narnia.  I started reading again, hoping to distract myself for a while.  "Courage, dear heart."  That's what I read.  I almost missed it the first time.  But then I went back and read it again.  "Courage, dear heart."  It was still there.  And on the third time through - "Courage, dear heart," chills ran through my body, tears sprung to my eyes, and my worries just...melted away.  In those three words, simple though they are, I felt God.  He gave me courage.

The road ahead is completely unknown.  But God will give me feet for the path.  And I, His dear heart, will take courage and trust in His unfailing love.  It isn't making the path before me any easier or any more clear.  But trusting in Him takes away the worry, takes away the fear, and allows me to live with the courage that I so desperately want to possess.