I feel like so much is happening in my head and my heart, and even in my soul, that to write about it would be an injustice to the magnitude of the uncertainty that is the ruler of the day.
Today Christie and I discussed the ways in which we are feeling stretched lately. And for me, that was in pretty much every way. The interesting thing is, though, that right now my biggest challenge is the fact that I have NOTHING to do every day. I am a busy kind of person. Not doing anything...spending my days in solitude with very little purpose is exhausting in a strange kind of way. Exhausting because every moment is spent worrying and thinking and obsessing, even, about what's next. Where am I going to live? What am I going to do? Where and how and when am I going to find a job?
But then it seems like my anxiety level changes every moment. Take right now, for example. I'm feeling perfectly content, perfectly calm, and totally unworried. And I wish I could be confident that it would last, but I know it won't. Because I don't seem to be strong enough to resist the worry that is sure to return. Perhaps it is on a coffee break right now. But it will be back.
I am learning, though. And growing so much. And, as I told Christie last night, I wouldn't trade being here in this stage of my life for anything. It's not a fun place, really, but I'm glad to be here. Because, the thing is, just because something is right doesn't mean that it's going to be easy. My life is really hard right now, but it feels right. I like the person I am becoming.
So, here's my status:
- no job
- more free time than I know what to do with
- very few obligations
- very little money
- amazing family
- great friends
- wonderful, wonderful life
Thank God for the amazing refining work He's been doing on me lately.
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