trusting.

Some mornings in Santa Barbara it seems as if the city forgot to wake up.  The blanket of clouds was never tossed aside and the vibrance of morning never appears.  Instead the thick greyness remains throughout the day, subduing the sunlight and muting sounds.  Things move more slowly and more quietly.

Today is one of those days.

I woke up expecting the steady stream of sunlight that usually pours through the windows and instead was greeted with...quiet.

I set out on my morning run today cold and uninspired.  I thought that perhaps I could formulate some sort of plan for my life while I ran.  Or at least think of something profound to write in my blog.  Instead I found myself focused on nothing but how incredibly badly everything on my body hurt.  Knees, ankles, back, and hips strongly protested against my fitness mission.  And through my aching joints and burning muscles and gasping lungs, all I could think about is that the pain is worth it.  Because, eventually, that pain will decrease and I will once again find the pleasure in the activity that I actually did enjoy, once upon a time.  And then, because I really like to think of my life in a series of metaphors, I realized that this morning is a perfect metaphor for my current life situation.  The pain, uncertainty, fear and confusion of right now is worth it.  Because eventually, this time will open the door for the rest of my life.  A life that I will enjoy.

I spent a large part of the day yesterday right here: 

Nestled right there, in between the two branches of this beautiful tree, watching the evening light spill across the pond and into my lap.  I had a pretty intense argument with God there, angry with Him for hiding His plan for my future.  But after a while, when the breeze started blowing my hair across my face and the golden light starting warming my hands and toes and the children playing in the field in front of me fell over, giggling with joy, I realized that perhaps it was I who should be on the receiving end of the anger and frustration.  

See, I've always claimed to trust God's plan and timing for my life.  But, I've never really had to.  Not really.  Because the next step has already been planned for me.  I simply moved on to the next thing, no questions asked.  But now, the future is a wide open expanse before me and I am standing dead still at the beginning of it.  I have to trust that my Guide is going to appear and lead me through.  Ah, but it would be so much easier if I could only just do it all on my own.  It is a battle for surrender, and even though I know who the Victor will be, I'm still struggling to give it up.  As it turns out, my self-sufficiency muscles are a little bit overdeveloped and my trusting muscles are tragically weak.  This is going to take some serious work.  But I am trying.  I'm striving to trust and to be patient and to pray for peace and discernment.  I'm trying to talk to God and believe that He has a plan for me - not just for "the rest of my life" but for right now.  And for later today.  And for tomorrow.  And for ever.  

I'm trying to trust.