It's amazing to me that so often in my life one month has felt like the smallest amount of time. A month can fly by in a heartbeat. This, however, has not been one of those months. This month, in fact, has lasted for nearly a lifetime.
This has been a month of many tears, many lonely evenings alone, many doubts, and many sorrows. However, this has also been a month of growth, change, reality, and a whole lot of God. This is a month that I will look back on as one of the most difficult of my life. But I will also look back on it as one in which I grew the most.
I don't always believe that brokenness leads to growth. I often find it to be an idea carelessly thrown about within the Christian culture by those who have been taught that the only way to get attention is to appear "broken." I think there is a lot to be said for being whole and confident in the Lord. I do know, though, that the Lord uses more ways and means than I could ever understand and, in some cases, brokenness is a means to growth. And this has been the case for me this past month. With so many of the things I relied on in my life taken away - friends and a vibrant social life, my own living space, a job I enjoyed, and confidence in my own future (to name just a few) - I have (finally) given up the charade of self-sufficiency and crawled back to the feet of Jesus.
(I don't deserve his mercy, but I abundantly receive it all the same.)
This has been a month that, quite frankly, I would care to never repeat. But I also know that I am a better person (currently less bright and shiny than usual, but better nonetheless) for having survived it.
And now the only place to go is further on and further in, moving towards the "rest of my life" full of hope and fear and joy and sorrow, but always full of the ever-present Love of God.
1 comment:
Hmm. Even though I'm still in santa barbara, this sounds a lot like my past couple months. Life just changes, and it's hard. I'm praying for you, and excited to see you in a couple weeks!
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