sad.

I could easily lie right now.  I could say that everything is great...that I'm totally at peace and happy with my decision to move to Colorado.  I could say that I'm not doubting why I'm here...that I'm not having maybe the biggest freak out of my life.  I could say that I'm happy.

But I'm all about the honesty lately, especially right here (this is my blog - I can say whatever I want.)  And what I want to say is that right now is not good.  I'm not good.

Until the moment I walked into the front door of my (parents') house this evening, it wasn't real.  And now it is so real: Guess what, Kels?  You're not going back to California in a couple of days or weeks or months.  You're here now.  And here to stay, at least for a year.

And I know it's right and that (eventually) it's going to be amazing.  But right now is just really, really sad.  

(but thank you, Jesus, that you are sitting here beside me on this bed as my mind reels...

...and the tears fall.)