life.

I recently purchased a bluetooth headset. I walk around work talking on it while I do other things and feel very official.

Yesterday my mom showed me my investment statement. She wrote me a check for tuition money and the last money I will recieve from my parents to pay for room board. I started budgeting to pay rent, utilities, and buy my own groceries.

I sign paperwork on the "Supervisor" line, I have my own company credit card, I am a boss.

When did I become an adult? And how do I make it stop?

This morning a little boy grabbed my hands and started spinning in circles around me, singing, "spinning very fast with a girl named Kelsey" in his perfect little innocent voice. No inhibitions, no fears, no concern with whether or not those around him approved or joined in. He just sang and spun, simply because he wanted to. I wish I could get back to that place - the place with no fear.

I like to think that I'm a person who does what I like to do, because I like to do it. I like to think that the only approval I seek is the approval of God. And while I do strive for that, I'm human. I seek human approval every day. And that seeking leads to inhibitions, fears, and concerns. Fear of rejection, concern about the reactions of those around me, and inhibitions in what seems like every arena plague me constantly.

The really ironic thing is that the moments when I feel most like a child are the moments I'm happiest. Carefree is a good thing. So why do I make it so hard to be carefree?

I think I'm getting better, though. I've always been good at finding joy, even in the smallest of silly moments. But the difference is that I'm no longer self-conscious about that. So what if people think it's silly? I like to think that God smiles when I smile at each moment He gives me.

Life is a gift. Sometimes its a difficult, scary, heartbreaking gift. But it is the most beautiful gift I know. I pray that I always find joy in this gift my Father has given me.

This is where I am today:

Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park, I asked God who I'm supposed to be. The stars smiled down on me, God answered in silent reverie.
- Priscilla Ahn

and I'm so thankful to be there.

God has answered my questioning. Not in a concrete way. I don't have any more real answers than I did last week. But I have been answered all the same. In the smiling stars and the silent reverie of my God.

I'm lovin' life today. That's all there is to say.