change.

Two weeks. Two weeks from tomorrow I head out once again, into the rest of my life (if I'm feeling dramatic) or into the start of my last school year (if I'm feeling realistic). Either way, it's two weeks until yet another time of change. I'm really excited, but as always, there is a part of me that dreads saying goodbye. This is home. And saying goodbye to home is never an easy thing. It's tempting to spend the next two weeks wallowing in the impending uncertainty, being sad about going away. Instead, I'm choosing joy. I'm going to enjoy my remaining 15 days fully, and then I am going to embark upon this new adventure with arms open wide, ready for whatever will be thrown my way.

This is a day never to be lived again. I'm going to live every second of it.

diane.

I just dropped off Diane at the airport and on the way home I realized that I only took one picture while she was here. Oh well, I guess it will serve as proof that she really was here, even if it wasn't for nearly long enough.

Yesterday was a fantastic day. We started out with great breakfast in downtown Littleton, walked around looking at all the cute antique stores, and then headed to Red Rocks. It's always fun for me to see Red Rocks through someone else's eyes. I get so used to it that I forget how cool it really is. It was stinkin' hot, but there was a nice cool breeze, so we survived. We then went to the pool and basked in the sun for a few hours, before we went downtown. After an amazingly good dinner at the Cheesecake Factory (always a favorite) we wandered around downtown Denver until we found my new favorite bar, a little place called alto. There we not only enjoyed a great martini, but the company of the bartender, Johnny. Johnny is a semi-finalist in the bartending world cup. I mean, I didn't even know that was a real thing, but last night I was lucky enough to meet the self-proclaimed favorite in the competition. If he wins he gets to be in GQ. Yeah...he's kind of a big deal. But the combination of live jazz music, lovely black and lime pillows and white flowers, and the company of Johnny was enough to endear alto to me as a new favorite spot.

Even though Diane's visit was short, it was wonderful. This is the last time I will see Diane for a long time - she's getting ready to move to Seattle in a couple of weeks. I'm sure our paths will cross again someday soon - it has a funny way of working out like that for forever friends - but this weekend was our last planned get together for anytime soon. She has been a blessing through and through, and every moment I spend with her is just purely happy. What a great friend!

awhoohoo.

I'm leaving in about 8 minutes to go pick up my dear friend Diane from the airport :). She's coming to visit me and I couldn't be more thrilled!

Today was a great day. The kids were well behaved, the time passed quickly, and I actually had fun all day today! And to top it off, my boss paid me an incredible compliment. Perhaps she could tell that I was disappointed in myself and struggling a bit this week. Whatever her motivation, her kind words came at exactly the right moment.

And now it's the weekend!

awhoohoo.

job.

I am good at my job.

I know I am good at it. And there are moments of uncertainty, fleeting thoughts of "I should have handled that differently" or "I could have done a better job on that project," but for the majority of the day, I am confident in my ability to do well at my job.

Except for yesterday. Yesterday was a bad day. It felt like every decision I made was the wrong one. I was off my game, and I knew it. And it was the most frustrating thing I could imagine.

So here's to hoping that today I rock it.

life.

I recently purchased a bluetooth headset. I walk around work talking on it while I do other things and feel very official.

Yesterday my mom showed me my investment statement. She wrote me a check for tuition money and the last money I will recieve from my parents to pay for room board. I started budgeting to pay rent, utilities, and buy my own groceries.

I sign paperwork on the "Supervisor" line, I have my own company credit card, I am a boss.

When did I become an adult? And how do I make it stop?

This morning a little boy grabbed my hands and started spinning in circles around me, singing, "spinning very fast with a girl named Kelsey" in his perfect little innocent voice. No inhibitions, no fears, no concern with whether or not those around him approved or joined in. He just sang and spun, simply because he wanted to. I wish I could get back to that place - the place with no fear.

I like to think that I'm a person who does what I like to do, because I like to do it. I like to think that the only approval I seek is the approval of God. And while I do strive for that, I'm human. I seek human approval every day. And that seeking leads to inhibitions, fears, and concerns. Fear of rejection, concern about the reactions of those around me, and inhibitions in what seems like every arena plague me constantly.

The really ironic thing is that the moments when I feel most like a child are the moments I'm happiest. Carefree is a good thing. So why do I make it so hard to be carefree?

I think I'm getting better, though. I've always been good at finding joy, even in the smallest of silly moments. But the difference is that I'm no longer self-conscious about that. So what if people think it's silly? I like to think that God smiles when I smile at each moment He gives me.

Life is a gift. Sometimes its a difficult, scary, heartbreaking gift. But it is the most beautiful gift I know. I pray that I always find joy in this gift my Father has given me.

This is where I am today:

Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park, I asked God who I'm supposed to be. The stars smiled down on me, God answered in silent reverie.
- Priscilla Ahn

and I'm so thankful to be there.

God has answered my questioning. Not in a concrete way. I don't have any more real answers than I did last week. But I have been answered all the same. In the smiling stars and the silent reverie of my God.

I'm lovin' life today. That's all there is to say.

rain.

I claim that I hate rain.

But that isn't entirely true. In fact, it isn't true at all.

What I hate is the incessent drizzle that people call "rain" all along the west coast. The grey skies, humid air, and continuous wetness is not my favorite thing. It gets the cuffs of my jeans wet, makes me change my shoes and socks at least five times a day, and don't even get me started on my hair. One day of rain and my hair looks like I should be thanking someone for my country music award. I don't like not seeing the sun, and I really don't like carrying an umbrella everywhere.

But I love rain.

I love the storms that roll in over the Rockies, cooling off everything just as it starts to get to hot to bear. The billowing clouds turn an ominous grey, the sky that was bright blue only seconds before turn black, and then it happens. The sky opens. This is the kind of rain that you try to avoid, because if you get caught in it, it's all over. An umbrella doesn't matter, neither does a rain jacket. If you're outside, you're drenched. There are thunder claps and lightning and lots of wind. And then, it's over. Almost as soon as it began, the rain ends. The clouds move on, and the bright blue skies and sun appear once again. And everything is exactly as it was before, except for a little bit cooler, a little bit brighter, and a little bit fresher. And it smells amazing.

That is rain.

I think that rain like that, it's like God. He comes in quickly, just when we can no longer bear the heat of life. He pours his love over us, drenching us completely, covering every part of us with it, overcoming every defense we try to put up against him. And then he pulls back, not as loud, not as forceful, but always present. He may not always been seen or heard, but he is always present. And the effects of his love are what keeps us alive. Just like the rain, he restores us - makes us cooler and more vibrant, he makes our lives fresh.

A silly metaphor? Maybe.

But I like the idea of using God's creation as a representation of him. I know that God is like the mountains, he's the rain and the sun and the grass. I see him in the sunsets and the rainfall and the smallest breeze. And I see him in laughs and smiles and tears.

Something I've been realizing lately is that life is for living. And part of living life is seeing beauty. Not trying to capture it or justify it or explain it, but just to see it.

And so I will continue to watch the rain. Maybe next time I will go out and play in it - splash in some puddles, let the water fall on to my tongue, get completely drenched.

Because in that rain, in that stunning beauty, that's where I see Love.

six.

The kids downstairs at my work just finished making a "campground" out of couch cushions, chairs, and towels. Now they're going to tell "scary" stories and make microwave s'mores.

I wish I was still six.

vacation.

I just got home from an amazing weekend vacation to Santa Barbara. It's funny when you reach a point in your life where "vacation" means traveling from one home to another. My, how we're growing up.

It was a weekend fully of friends, fun, and lots of sunshine. Highlights included lunch at Padaro Beach Grill, beach cruisers and ice cream for lunch, amazing homemade dinner, drunken Irishman at Dargan's, and a sunset catamaran cruise. Really I could have done absolutely nothing for four days and enjoyed my time thoroughly, just by being in the same room as my best friends, but this all just made it better.

Last night, as I sat in the Santa Barbara airport, trying not to be upset about leaving again when really all I wanted to do was find some way back to the apartment, snuggle back up with Emily, and watch Grey's Anatomy for the rest of the night, I thought about how blessed I am. Having two homes is really difficult. But having two homes as wonderful as mine are is a blessing beyond belief. No matter which direction I'm traveling, I'm going towards home. What could be better than that?!

Here are some pictures from my lovely vacation :)


Kellie, Em, and I riding our beach cruisers :)


sea lions on an old boat during our sunset cruise


my beautiful best friend

It was a great four days!