grumpy.

Right now I'm grumpy.  So I'm going to bed.

But I wish I was going to bed back on that cruise ship of a month ago.

Yes, if I could be anywhere in the world right now, that's where it would be.

Maybe I'll at least dream about it.

accidents.

I woke up this morning feeling flustered, stressed, and not at all rested....due to my dream.

I walked into the living room and immediately proceeded to spill half of my bowl of cereal on the couch.

In the process of cleaning up the couch, I spilled a glass of water on the ground.

I'm pretty sure I should just go back to bed and try it all again later.

However, despite the way this day has begun, I'm feeling pretty great today.  Yesterday was one of those rare wonderful days where I just spent the whole thing laughing.  There's nothing like a good laugh to make you feel good about life again.  I went out last night with some old friends and made some new friends, which is always a wonderful thing.  

In other news, I have an interview tomorrow (!!!).  I'm trying not to be nervous, but I haven't been very successful in that endeavor.  I would really appreciate your prayers about this, because I would really LOVE to get this job.  

So I'm going to go embark upon my day and hope that the rest of it isn't as accident prone as this morning.

May God bless you today, dear friends :).

hello.

Life is, once again, different than I expected.

First of all, let's just get this out of the way: yes, I'm still unemployed. It sucks. I don't want to talk about it.

Other than my lingering unemployment and impending financial crisis, however, life is quite lovely these days. There are a lot of people who are very near and dear to my heart who have recently returned to Santa Barbara from various far away places. Things are better - I am better - when they are around.

I feel I should have more to say. And I suppose that if I really put my head and my heart to work right now, I would. But I'm hungry and a little bit tired, so I think that instead I will simply leave it at this.

May God bless you, my friends.

brugge.

today I miss this:

I would really like to be back there someday soon.

beach.

So, as much as I know that I need a job and really should have a job, days like today make being unemployed pretty darn great.

hours and hours at the beach...

tons of volleyball...

sunshine...

great friends...

yeah.  I could get used to that.

status.

This blank screen, usually so inviting, is intimidating today. 

I feel like so much is happening in my head and my heart, and even in my soul, that to write about it would be an injustice to the magnitude of the uncertainty that is the ruler of the day. 

Today Christie and I discussed the ways in which we are feeling stretched lately.  And for me, that was in pretty much every way.  The interesting thing is, though, that right now my biggest challenge is the fact that I have NOTHING to do every day.  I am a busy kind of person.  Not doing anything...spending my days in solitude with very little purpose is exhausting in a strange kind of way.  Exhausting because every moment is spent worrying and thinking and obsessing, even, about what's next.  Where am I going to live?  What am I going to do?  Where and how and when am I going to find a job?  

But then it seems like my anxiety level changes every moment.  Take right now, for example.  I'm feeling perfectly content, perfectly calm, and totally unworried.  And I wish I could be confident that it would last, but I know it won't.  Because I don't seem to be strong enough to resist the worry that is sure to return.  Perhaps it is on a coffee break right now.  But it will be back.

I am learning, though.  And growing so much.  And, as I told Christie last night, I wouldn't trade being here in this stage of my life for anything.  It's not a fun place, really, but I'm glad to be here.  Because, the thing is, just because something is right doesn't mean that it's going to be easy.  My life is really hard right now, but it feels right.  I like the person I am becoming.

So, here's my status:

- no job

- more free time than I know what to do with

- very few obligations

- very little money

- amazing family

- great friends

- wonderful, wonderful life

Thank God for the amazing refining work He's been doing on me lately.

tomorrow.

Tomorrow.  

I'm NOT going to school.  

Because I'm not in school anymore.  

Weird.