courage.

The identity crisis that I thought I had so smoothly avoided has found me.  Sitting quietly, hidden in the place I call home, it was waiting for me.  When I walked into my sweet little apartment instead of being greeted by a feeling of home, comfort, and contentment, I was hit with a wave of panic, confusion, and loneliness.

It all began on the plane.  The very friendly man sitting next to me asked me if I live in Santa Barbara.  Instead of answering him quickly, like a normal person, I sat there and stared at him in confusion.  After he repeated his question with an expression on his face that wavered between concern and fear, I snapped out of it and told him that yes, in fact, I do live in Santa Barbara.  A simple enough answer.  The confusion, however, sprung from the fact that, every other time I have answered that question, I have said, "Yes - I go to school there."  But this time I was no longer allowed that qualifier.  Nope.  Now I simply live in Santa Barbara.  I am free to go anywhere in the world and, for right now at least, this is where I choose to be.  Exciting.  But SCARY.

As I sat there, thinking about my life and how incredibly different it is right now than it was three weeks ago, I felt the first signs of panic.  Somehow I managed to get my bag, get in my car, and make it home before the full-fledged panic set in.  And then, when I walked in the door, the aforementioned greeting ensured that I would not be feeling relaxed for some time.  Yes, I am in Santa Barbara, the city I consider home right now.  But no one else is here.  And I'm no longer a student.  And I don't have a job.  And I have no plan for getting one.  Scary.

As I sank down on the couch, feeling very alone, I reached for the book I had been reading on the plane - one of The Chronicles of Narnia.  I started reading again, hoping to distract myself for a while.  "Courage, dear heart."  That's what I read.  I almost missed it the first time.  But then I went back and read it again.  "Courage, dear heart."  It was still there.  And on the third time through - "Courage, dear heart," chills ran through my body, tears sprung to my eyes, and my worries just...melted away.  In those three words, simple though they are, I felt God.  He gave me courage.

The road ahead is completely unknown.  But God will give me feet for the path.  And I, His dear heart, will take courage and trust in His unfailing love.  It isn't making the path before me any easier or any more clear.  But trusting in Him takes away the worry, takes away the fear, and allows me to live with the courage that I so desperately want to possess.

2008.

I feel obligated to write a "goodbye 2008, hello 2009" post.  So here it is.

2008 was a pretty remarkable year, full of many notable events, not the least of which was my graduation from Westmont College.  I now have a degree in English Literature.  Weird.  I've also experienced the devastation of a wildfire and been blessed by the restoration that followed it.  I've taken a life-changing trip to Israel and a pretty wonderful vacation to Mexico.  I've mourned.  I voted for the first time.  I've spent significant amounts of time in Santa Barbara, California and Littleton, Colorado, and few moments in some places in between.  I've made new friends and kept the old.  And I have continued to be grown and changed and refined into the woman that God intends me to be.

Welcome, 2009.  I look forward to what you have in store for me.

classic.

Look what I found:

How cute was I?  Check out the moon boots...

christmas.

I'm from Colorado.  Therefore, by definition, Christmas = cold.  Snow, blankets, hot chocolate, ice, heavy jackets, and sledding are all a central part of my favorite holiday.  Generally, Christmas morning outside my window looks something like this:

This year, however, Christmas was a little bit different.  For one thing, it was about 85 degrees on Christmas day.  For another thing, I spent the day riding wave runners around the Sea of Cortez and laying beside the pool on a giant cruise ship.  Warm, swimming suits, margaritas, sun, salt water, and sand were the defining features of this Christmas.  Christmas morning outside my window this year:

A little bit different from the Christmas's of my childhood.  But wonderful all the same.

When I was younger, Christmas was the most exciting day of the year.  And I still love it now (a whole lot, actually), but it doesn't hold the same weight for me that it once did.  The thing is - I should be unspeakably grateful for the gift of life found in Jesus every day.  Not just on December 25th, squeezed somewhere in between presents and large amounts of food.  So I suppose that Christmas day is special for family and happiness and comfort, but it is the same as every other awesome, marvelous, beautiful, unbelievable day that Jesus gives me all my life.

So, merry belated Christmas.

But here's to making every day like Christmas day, and to remembering that God's gift of love didn't end on that one night with the birth of that beautiful baby.  No...that was just the beginning of His ever unfailing love.

Christmas sunset:

...just a tiny glimpse of the majesty of our dear Heavenly Father and Friend.  May He make His face shine onto us and hold us always in His arms.

end.

Thoughts on the end: I wish I had some.

I feel like I should be feeling more.  Instead I am feeling quite ordinary.  It is just the end of a semester like any other.  Except for that it isn't.  At all.  It is the END.  The end of the best years of my life, thus far.  My years at Westmont have been everything that college should be.  I can't imagine anything getting better than this (although I hope it does...), and now these years are done.  I should be feeling sad.  Or freaked.  Or exhausted.  Or anything, really.  Anything other than this state of complacency and normality in which I find myself.

Someone slap me - make me realize the significance of this day.

Today is an ending.  But, through my rose colored glasses, today is a beginning.  It is the beginning of the next thing, whatever that may be.

And today, the next things is a week long cruise to Mexico with my family.

So farewell, for now.  Worrying can wait for a week.

finals.

I'm closing in on the end.  

Three relatively short tests are all that are standing between me and "the rest of my life."

God give me strength to finish well...

identity.

I feel an identity crisis coming on.

I’m sitting in the library – a place that has become a consistant companion this semester. Studying at home is too difficult – there are fun things and couches and beds and lots of food there. The library is ugly, and has weird tempature spots, which makes me want to get out as soon as possible and therefore is the perfect spot for inspiring production. Anyway, I’m sitting in the library about to finish my last paper of college. And I can’t bring myself to write the last paragraph. Not because I don’t want to be done, because I DO. But because once I finish this paper, I’m finally going to realize that I’m done with college in 2 weeks. 

My whole life I have been a student. School is what I do. I study, I go to class, and then I study some more. The past 21 years have been spent in the same way. Obviously there have been some big differences between say, 2nd grade and senior year of college, but for the most part, 21 years centered in the same basic principle – learn stuff. And now, well, that’s about to be done. No more tests, no more papers, no more studying until I’m so tired that I can’t keep my eyes open anymore. So who am I once that is done?

In August, I wouldn’t have been able to answer that question.

But now, I think I know. I’m more than school, more than my grades, more than even my friends and family and people I love. I am me. And right now, me has no idea what comes next. I am actually surprised that I’m not freaked out by that. But I think that maybe the last three weeks came at the best time possible in my life (if there is such a thing as a good time for a devastating fire…).  I suppose you could say that I've had a bit of perspective shift.  Maybe I don't know what's coming next, but I know that it's going to be amazing, whatever it is.

Hmm...that was nice...

Crisis averted.