painting.

...And this heartbreak world

Of just imagine

With it's tired talk of better days

And this heartbreak world

Where nothing matters

Come on lets make this dream

that's barely half awake come true...

~ Matt Nathanson, "Heartbreak World"

I've been thinking about dreams.  I think Matt is on to something, talking about a world focused on "tired talk of better days" and "barely half awake" dreams.  I don't want to live my life with dreams barely half awake.  I want dreams alive and vibrant.  

I want to be alive and vibrant.

I have a very real fear of living my life in a state of complacency.  It is so easy to let myself dwell in loneliness, in settling, in just good enough.  It's easy to convince myself that everyone feels the same, so this must be the best it can be.  However, I know those are blatant lies that I am telling to myself.  I have been given life and life abundantly.  I have a life, a blank slate, ready to be painted.  There can be brilliant colors of joy and triumph and completely happy moments.  There can be the deep, dark tones of heartache and sorrow.  There can be the pastels of peaceful moments and the muted tones of moments that were not quite enough.  My life is ready to be made beautiful.  So why am I sitting back expecting someone else to paint it for me?

Life is for living.  It isn't about painting perfect lines.  It's about getting my hands dirty and covering the canvas with the colors of every beautiful day I've been given.

fire.

At about 6:00 on Thursday night, my friend Juliann called me and frantically asked me where I was and if I was safe. I was confused by her question until she explained to me that there was a fire up above Westmont and that the students were being told to move to the gym. I was a little worried, but didn't think a whole lot of it, because there are small brush fires in the hills behind Westmont all the time. So, Emily and I continued on our mission into Costco. However, when we left, we saw flames shoot up from exactly where Westmont is located and that's when we realized that it was serious. Em and I both started calling what felt like everyone we know who could possibly be up on campus. We were assured that everyone was okay in the gym and confused about what was happening. They were surrounded by flames, but safe, and thinking that most of campus was burning down around them.

We got back to apartment only to be greeted by tons of smoke, no power, and friends who had already been evacuated from their homes. We quickly packed up some bags, anticipating our inevitable evacuation. As we were driving away from our apartment towards my cousin's house, we could see flames licking over the hill behind our complex, glowing ominously orange all around us. We got to my cousin's house and planted ourselves in front of the tv and stayed there for the rest of the night, watching the news. I don't think my phone has ever worked that hard - calls and texts - questions of safety from friends, trying to figure out where everyone was, and trying to get updates on the status of our school.

Throughout the rest of that sleepless night we heard every imaginable rumor - Westmont was fine, Westmont was completely gone, and everything in between. By morning, though, it started to be certain what buildings were fallen and what were still standing. The final list of damaged buildings included 3 academic buildings, 3 dorm buildings, and 15 faculty houses. My heart breaks for everyone who lost their homes, but thank God for everyone's safety. The students who were on campus spent the night there, and once it was safe for them to leave campus in the morning, they were shuttled down to the grocery store down the hill and then were free to leave. I picked up three of my friends there and took them home to LA area, where I spent last night with one girl's family.

Now I am back up at my apartment, which is completely fine, and waiting to hear what our next steps will be. The earliest we will start classes is Wednesday morning, and that is only under the most ideal of circumstances. Students have lost their rooms and need to have housing for the rest of the semester, so we may have a refugee or two on our couch in the coming days. The school needs to be cleaned, gas and water pipes need to be repaired, and professors who lost their homes and/or offices need to be taken care of and prepared to teach again. We will see what the future holds.

The past two days have been...emotional. Exhausting, terrifying at moments, and a huge reminder of what is important. Buildings can be rebuilt, possessions can be replaced....but the lives that are irreplaceable were protected every second. I have no doubt that God had his hand over Westmont. There is no question that this is a tragedy, and my heart breaks for those who lost their homes, but I have to be grateful for God's faithfulness. By anyone's standards, someone should have been injured or killed in these fires, but every single person is safe, accounted for, and cared for right now. Our community is hurting, but will be stronger for this.

I ask for your continued prayers, even as the fire is being contained and the drama ends. Pray for those who lost their homes and possessions, those who are trying to rebuild their lives. Pray for the people at Westmont figuring out the next steps in the lives of the students and faculty. Pray for the Westmont community and their continued reliance on God in the coming days and weeks. Pray for the Santa Barbara and Montecito communities and the 100+ families who lost their homes. Pray for the firefighters who continue to risk their own lives to save ours. Pray for the city officials, insurance companies, and safety workers who have a lot to figure during the coming weeks. And most of all, praise God for His faithfulness and His goodness that has been over us all.

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.

God bless you all.

blessings.

These are my best friends.

Juliann, Vanassa, and Emily.

They are the most wonderful women.

I am blessed beyond belief to have them in my life.

I would love to go into detail on all of them - tell you all about the wonderfulness that is each of these women, but there aren't enough words. I hope you all get the chance to know each of them Your lives would be bettered for it.

Rachelle.

I am an only child. Therefore, by definition, I don't have any brothers or sisters. However, somewhere during the past 21 years of my life, the line between "best friend" and "sister" got blurred, and the same woman has filled both of those roles in my life. Her name is Rachelle Dawn Lundy, and she's my favorite person.



Rachelle's mom was my daycare mom (aka second mom) - I spent just as much, if not more, time at the Lundy's house as I did at my own while I was growing up. That whole time, Rachelle was there. We didn't always get along very well - I recall many instances involving screaming fights, hitting each other while pretending to be asleep, hitting each other while very much awake, being made to run after a bike on the way to school, being left at school, and other various sibling-like issues throughout the years. However, I also remember so many wonderful games, shared secrets, giggles, and moments of true friendship. And yes, we may have been friends by parental influence as children, but the bond that exists between us now is very real and very voluntary, and the love of the best of friends and sisters.

Rachelle has been there for every single significant event of my life. She has been there supporting and loving me through all of it - a constant figure, even in the midst of absolute confusion and chaos. When a mutual friend died in a car accident during high school, Shell was there to comfort. When I got into Westmont, Shell was there to celebrate. When I was frustrated with life, Shell was there to drive around with and listen and give much-needed advice. When I moved to California, her consistent emails, phone calls, and letters were my lifeline. She is a pillar of consistency in my life, and I love her for that.

However, there is so much more that I love about Rachelle. Her giggle, her genuine care for those surrounding her, and the fact that she thinks I'm really funny are just a few of her wonderful qualities. She is intelligent, insightful, and honest. She is perceptive and says the right thing at exactly the right moment. She remembers important things and asks about them at just the right moment. She takes a genuine interest in those around her. She's one of the sweetest people alive, but in a very real way, not in an annoying way. She is strong and independent and has the whole world at her feet. She's going to do great things and change the lives of so many, and I am so honored to know that I am going to be there for all of it.

She is my constant support, the consistent presence in my life, my best friend in the whole world, my sister.

God blessed me beyond belief when he caused our lives to intersect.

Berlin.

One year ago today, I was in Berlin.

This is crazy for multiple reasons. First of all, because Berlin is really far away. Like, on the other side of the world Far Away. Second of all, this is crazy to me because I am having such a hard time believing that it has already been a year since I was there. A year ago I was halfway through my European semester. It was probably the best semester of my life, and it's already been almost a year since it ended. Crazy.

Anyway, since Berlin was one of my very favorite of the 17 cities I visited in Europe, I thought I would post a few pictures in its honor.


Me with part of the Berlin Wall.



Weird artwork in the middle of Berlin.


Ryan looking out over the Memorial to the Murdered Jews.


Mikey, Ryan and I at the Brandenberg Gate.



Janelle and I at the Berlin Zoo - far away from home!

Colorado.

The fam in the mountains.


fall in Colorado. There's really nothing better.


Mt. Evans...absolutely stunning.

autumn.

There is this place. It is comfortable and warm and completely safe. Tucked back into the corner, surrounded by pillows, pushed up next to the window - here I am content. The evening autumn sun is angled in, throwing its perfect golden rays across my lap and just touching the corner of my eye. The leaves outside are shining a radiant red, reminding me of the fact that my heart belongs here, tempting me to throw in the towel on the whole California adventure and return to my roots. The mountains are glittering; the last few rays of the sun make the freshly fallen snow sparkle and shimmer underneath snow-dusted pines of the deepest green.

The cat purrs at my feet, warming me more effectively than any conventional pair of slippers could. My parents are here, watching TV, talking about nothing and everything all at the same time. Even though I'm not engaging them in conversation, I can feel their joy at my simple presence in the room. The smell of dinner lingers on and the thought of cookies and tea is edging in to the back of my mind.

I love it here. This place is home. The snow and leaves and bright blue sky are the most beautiful sights in the world. Maybe I won't always live here, and maybe my address won't always end with '80127', but this place will always, always hold my heart and be my home.