daring to be happy...

favorites and unfavorites on a sunny monday afternoon.

2011-05-08T19:43:00.006-06:00

These have been some of my favorite things lately:

- This show-stopping performance by my girl Carrie:

- Eric. He left yesterday to move to Sierra Leone to work for a company called Kiva. It's a really intense job in a really intense place and I am SO PROUD of him. I feel just like a proud little mama :).

(back when I had lots of hair. Eric looks dashing as always.)

- summer sunshine

- That Magnum Bars have made their way to the US. Glorious.

- Gilmore Girls. I just restarted the series (for about the 7th time) and I love it even more every time.

- Summer basketball.

- Flowers and leaves on the trees.

- That this show (and my girl Cat) is coming back SO SOON!

- This song by one of my childhood favorites, Amy Grant, and it's message of God deserving and loving our praise in all of it's forms.

Annnnddd....some of my least favorite things lately:

- Wind. I love gentle wind and soft breezes, but I am not a fan of the gusty, gale-force wind that has been keeping me up at night and making it impossible to spend any extended amount of time outside.

- Having to wait to read Bossypants by Tina Fey. I don't want to shell out the big bucks to buy it, so I put a hold on it at the library, but I am about the 25th person on the list, and at two weeks per person, that could turn into a really long wait.

- Wasps that think in between the screendoor and the main door is a cool place to hang out.

- My own inability to shut up. Seriously. I know I talk a lot, and I try to stop talking so much, and it just never seems to happen. I hate it.

Overall, the favorites are winning. Life is good.

a beautiful, scandalous good friday

2011-04-22T22:10:00.004-06:00

I've been thinking about what this day - the day they killed Jesus - must have been like all those many years ago. I can't seem to get past the heartbreak of the faithful who were witnessing all of it. I know the feeling of intense disappointment and disillusionment and just gut-wrenching sorrow. But I am certain that nothing I've ever felt comes even remotely close to what Jesus' followers were feeling that day. Can you imagine it? The man who you believed (with all your heart) was supposed to be your savior...dies. He dies. Can you imagine the heartache? Can you imagine the sorrow? Can you imagine the disbelief?

See...we know the ending. So even when we try really hard to burrow down into the sorrow and to feel the pain of Good Friday, there's still a light at the end of the tunnel. We know the celebration that's coming. We know that in only a few short days, eternal victory will be gained. But on that day, they didn't know the end. They thought it was the end. He was dead. He was gone. And their hearts were broken.

And then...He came back. He won. He finished the battle forever.

I am so thankful that after that intense heartache, there comes the most incredible joy imaginable. I am so thankful for this beautiful, scandalous story that has saved my life.

I can't fully wrap my mind around the sacrifice that was made for me or the countless ways in which I have been saved. I can't comprehend the simultaneous simplicity and complexity of the plan that was executed that has saved me. But I'm unbelievably grateful for it. And I will forever stand in awe (with arms high and heart abandoned) of the One who gave it all.

Go on up to the mountain of mercy
To the crimson perpetual tide
Kneel down on the shore
Be thirsty no more
Go under and be purified
Follow Christ to the holy mountain
Sinner sorry and wrecked by the fall
Cleanse your heart and your soul
In the fountain that flows
For you and for me and for all

At the wonderful, tragic, mysterious tree
On that beautiful, scandalous night you and me
Were atoned by His blood and forever washed white
On that beautiful, scandalous night

On the hillside, you will be delivered
At the foot of the cross justified
And your spirit restored
By the river that pours
From our blessed Savior's side

Amen.

good life.

2011-04-20T10:00:00.002-06:00

Here's another song I've been listening to lately. It's pretty much just a constant cycle of this one, the one from yesterday, and the one I'll post tomorrow. They're all just so good.

The sky is grey and it's chilly outside and I'm about to go for a walk with my lovely mom. This really is the good life.

cosmic love.

2011-04-19T21:30:00.003-06:00

I've been listening to this on repeat for days now.

I can't get over it.

I don't want to get over it.

(Today wasn't the best. But tomorrow brings the promise of a day off, a walk with my mom, some sun, and some rain.

Life goes on.

I go on.)

Friday randomness

2011-04-08T06:54:00.005-06:00

This morning was a gorgeous, hazy, golden dawn. It made me wish that Mr. Darcy would come walking across the parking lot to me (holding my grande iced non-fat Chai so I wouldn't have to go get it myself, of course) and tell me that I had bewitched him, body and soul. No luck, though - I had to go to Starbucks myself and I don't think anyone is feeling bewitched by me. But, at least the drive to work was beautiful. And it's Friday!

I played in a faculty basketball game yesterday, representing my Chargers. We dominated. I have a big bruise on my arm, a floor burn on my knee, and a fingernail gouge out of my right hand. I love it. It's just like the days of old. And one of my players came up to me after the game and said, "Quinlan! You're like...really good! You're a true baller!" It was gratifying and it reminded me of how much I miss playing that sport every day.

One year ago today I was in Paris, headed to Interlaken, Switzerland (my favorite place in the world).

Tonight, the roommate and I are going to see Jane Eyre. It's one of my favorite books, so I have high expectations for this movie. Mr. Rochester...please don't disappoint me.

They put in a new Yogurtland copy near my school...I was skeptical. But then I went...and it was glorious. NuYo - thank you for rescuing my yogurtland-less existence.

This is incredibly random. And now I'm off to science class in which I will zone out and dream of the beautiful, hazy morning and Mr. Darcy. And possibly Mr. Rochester.

Happy Friday!

summer...I think I'm ready for you.

2011-04-06T21:06:00.002-06:00

While I certainly love this:

(this was a self-portrait...I'm fairly certain it was -2 when I took this walk. NBD.)

I think I'm about ready for more of this:

("this" would be hanging out with my good friend Stacy in the warm and sun and sunglasses.)

Summer ball starts soon. I don't have to wear my down jacket every time I go outside anymore. It's been over a week since I scraped ice off of my windshield. Summer is quickly approaching, and I'm glad. I love the seasons in Colorado - every time I'm about to get sick of one, a new one shows up.

The job search process has to be one of my least favorite things ever. So much work with so little reward. And talk about kicking you when you're down. You're already unemployed (hit one) and then you send out endless numbers of applications and resumes only to hear back from about .1% of them. And then the right one comes along and it's all fine again, but until that happens, the endless string of rejections and uncertainty that accompanies them is not pleasant.

One year ago today I was in Europe, about to be financially dominated by a volcano.

Happy April.

goodbye, March.

2011-03-31T21:53:00.003-06:00

So...I kind of abandoned the whole "blog challenge" thing there at the end. In the interest of full disclosure, I have to tell you that I kind of intended to all along. I knew that there was no way I was actually going to write every day while I was in Santa Barbara, and since I failed to start the challenge more than 30 days before I left....well, we'll just call it a 26 day challenge instead.

My time in Santa Barbara was basically perfection. Perfect weather, wonderful friends, and a fleeting escape from the somewhat scary reality of life right now. (I did my taxes before I left...my annual income was pitiful. And now I have no job. Good.) Anyways...I feel just beyond blessed to have two homes that I love so much and such incredible people in my life.

So...now it's back to the grind. Work all day, search for new jobs all evening. But I am very confident in the Lord. I am certain that the plan He has for me is what's best for me. It's been a long and winding road to get to where I am, and I really wouldn't change a step of it (except for maybe my three week stint at Dazbog...not really sure what the point of that was...). I am sure that the road I'm on, though it will continue to wind, will lead me to exactly the right place.

day twenty-six: vacation!

2011-03-26T17:46:00.002-06:00

I'm sitting in my friend Juliann's gorgeous kitchen, looking out the window at the sea and the grey sky and the channel islands in the distance. It's wet and chilly in Santa Barbara, but my heart is warm.

The next five days are full of plans (mostly revolving around food) and friends and hopefully rest. And while in the back of my mind there is a chorus of "what next? where next? no job no job no job"....I am calm and grateful and happy.

So now I am off to enjoy the rest of this vacation. Hopefully Santa Barbara will feel compelled to throw a little sunshine my way, but if not, I'll still be satisfied. Because I have been blessed without measure.

Sometimes, life is so wonderful.

(I'll be back to finish my blog challenge and delight you with stories of my Santa Barbaran adventures in a few days...never fear.)

day 25 - sometimes life sucks.

2011-03-23T19:33:00.001-06:00

i haven't felt like writing.

i think it's legitimate.

big life changes (like getting laid off) tend to send me reeling.

but i will survive to write again.

(for the record, i do have a job for the rest of the school year. but after that, thanks to budget cuts, it's back to the drawing board. i'm really sick of job hunting.)

Day twenty-four: a letter to the best people in the world.

2011-03-21T12:52:00.008-06:00

Dear Parents,

Thank you. Thanks for creating me and for raising me and for putting up with my snotty teenage years and for supporting my decision to go to college out of state and for letting me move back into your house after graduation from said college and for becoming my best friends.

I know of so many people who have simply mediocre relationships with their parents. They don't have people supporting them every step of the way like I do. They don't have people gently pushing them to be the best possible version of themselves like I do. They don't have people who they genuinely enjoy spending their time with like I do.

The best compliments I have ever received are when people tell me that I remind them of you guys. What an incredible honor! Because you are the two most amazing people I know. I look up to you in every way, and you are everything that I strive to be. You know that one episode of Friends when Rachel is teaching Joey how to sail? And she screams at him and then realizes she's her father? She says, "Oh my God! I did not see this coming! I've been spending so much time trying not to be my mother." It's a funny moment and all, but I am beyond thankful that I have never felt that way. No...I'd be saying, "Oh my God! Thank you for letting me become my mother and my father!" Because you guys are everything that is good about me.

I can't even begin to count the things that you've taught me. It would take more time than I have, that's for sure. And I definitely couldn't count the many things that I've learned just by watching you navigate your own lives - how to be a person of honesty and integrity, how to approach everything in my life with 100% of my effort and dedication, how to love other people, and how to live as a Godly woman, to name just a few. You are pillars of consistency in my life, and if I end up being even half as wonderful of a parent as you have been to me, my kids will be the luckiest in the world.

I love you guys so much, and I am so grateful for every single moment that I get to spend with you. Thank you for being, quite literally, the best parents in the world.

With all my love...

Your daughter,

Kelsey Quinlan

Day twenty-three: celebrations.

2011-03-20T21:02:00.003-06:00

Day 23 - Something you crave a lot:

If we're talking food? Cheese. And tortilla chips. And occasionally Swedish Fish.

If we're talking life? Companionship. Sunshine. Time to sit and read. Laughter. Feeling the blessed assurance that Jesus is mine.

I think that about covers it. When you get to the bottom of it, life is pretty simple, isn't it?

Tomorrow is another Monday - the beginning of another week. But this week is the last week until spring break, which is exciting on a multitude of levels, not the least of which is my desperate need for a break. Today was my basketball banquet - yet another reminder of how blessed I have been. What a great opportunity to celebrate these wonderful young women - the unique and beautiful creations that they are. We laughed, some of us (me) cried, and we rejoiced in the bright future these girls have before them. I find myself, once again, thanking God for them.

And now? Now is off to read and then to sleep and to live another day in this lovely life that I've been gifted.

Sleep well, my friends.

days twenty and twenty-two: some thoughts.

2011-03-20T06:55:00.002-06:00

I've gone on and on about practicing discipline and here I am - at my first real slip up in this blog challenge. I wish I had a good excuse for not writing on days 20 and 22, but the reality is that I just didn't write.

Instead of writing about the prompts for those days (one of which asks about relationships, which is a road I just don't even want to go down right now), I have some thoughts.

I've had a lot on my mind lately. There are times in my life when I feel so aware of all the heartache and sorrow and imperfection in the world, and this is one of those times. My heart breaks for the people of Japan every day when I read the news and it's just one tragedy after another for them. And we can't forget about New Zealand and the horrible earthquake in Christchurch last month. And then there's the unrest in Libya. And there's just so much wrong in the world. It makes my very small life feel just that...very small.

But here's the thing - my small life...it's still mine. And as I sit here on my couch at 7:00 on a Sunday morning, wrapped in my big quilt, listening to this and watching the sunrise light paint the mountains through my window, I'm thankful for this life. (Confession...that wasn't what I originally intended to write...but it's true. I have problems and worries and concerns, but I'm thankful just the same.)

I read this in my devotional the other day, and it has been constantly with me since then: "I refuse to worry, but instead choose to rest in the finished work of Christ." It occured to me that I can refuse to worry. I don't have to give in to that feeling of near panic and anxiety about my future. When worries come into my mind, I can say, "No! I refuse to acknowledge you. I'm choosing to rest in the fact that Christ already has my plan figured out. I refuse to worry." What freedom! What a cause for celebration!

The prompt for day twenty-two asks, "what makes you different from everyone else?" And here's the thing - I'm not different from everyone else, really. I'm just another person. But what makes me unique (what makes us all unique) is the Father who knows our names, knows our hearts, and knows every single hair on our head. That's better to me than any other distinguishing feature. What makes me different from everyone else? I'm different because my Savior created me (and loves me) that way.

day twenty-one.

2011-03-18T20:06:00.003-06:00

Day 21 - a picture of something that makes you happy:

I'm tired. Dealing with high schoolers is hard work sometimes.

Promise for a better one tomorrow.

day nineteen - some nicknames.

2011-03-16T13:11:00.002-06:00

Day 19 - any nicknames you have and why you have them:

I have a few nicknames, most of them relating somehow to my last name, but not many of them are used very often. Here they are, though:

- Kels - for obvious reasons. Also, due to a permanent 2-year retainer, I have a tiny bit of a lisp and "Kelsey" is kind of hard for me to say.
- K - again, for obvious reasons. This one is used by Emily, and Emily alone.
- Meggie - a variation of my middle name - used only by my uncle Doug (or Douggie, to me).
- Q-dawg - a basketball team nickname
- Mini-Q - a coaching nickname, derived from the fact that my dad is "Q"
- Quinnie - I'm not really sure why.
- K-Quizzy - (pronounced K-Queasy) - because one time in college I dressed up like a thug.
- Coachy - because 14 year old girls like to call their coach something cutesy
- Giant Gorilla - because I work at a daycare and kids are weird
- Sassy Pants - see above
- Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman - because people think they're clever
- Ms. Qdoba ('doba for short) - because I work at a high school and teenagers are weird

I think that's all.

In other news, the sun is shining and it's warm and it's almost spring break and I'm having a great hair day :)

day eighteen - dreams

2011-03-15T12:53:00.003-06:00

Day 18 - some plans/dreams/goals that you have:

Well isn't this just the loaded prompt? I have to start with a confession: I always feel really lame when people start the "what is your dream?" conversation, because I feel like I don't really have one. (I know that's lame and probably untrue, but bear with me.) I have dreams of being happy and successful, of getting married and having kids someday, and of someday living in a house instead of an apartment. I have dreams of traveling with my family and growing old with someone and spending a happy retirement occupied with some sort of all-consuming hobby (like scrapbooking or water aerobics or something). But those aren't the kind of dreams being asked about in those conversations. I don't dream of being a doctor or inventing something or running a marathon or going to grad school. My dreams are smaller than that. And for a long time I thought that the small scale of my dreams meant that they were insignificant. I often wondered if there was something wrong with my makeup, that all I longed for was a happy family and not a high-powered career with a completely disposable income attached to it. But that's not true. My dreams are significant. My dreams reflect my heart.

And I believe that my dreams will come true someday.

(Also, how good was Glee tonight!?)

day 17 (plus some random thoughts)

2011-03-15T12:45:00.002-06:00

Day 17 - someone you would like to trade lives with for a day.

So...I've spent quite a bit of time thinking about this. (More than I should have, maybe...) and I came up with this - I wouldn't want to trade lives with anyone. There are parts of other people's lives that I occasionally envy (financial security, job security, fantastic relationships, etc.) but for the most part, I am perfectly content with just being...me.

In other news, The Bachelor finale (the most dramatic one ever!) was on last night, and while it is still ridiculously contrived fake tv, there was quite a bit more real life substance to it then I've ever seen before. Some real conversations about real issues, not just "this is such a fairytale, I'm so in love and will be forever" and eye twinkling. I appreciated the little dose of actual reality in reality tv, and wish that the producers of the show would realize that these moments of substance are what most veiwers would actually like to see. However, I know I'm bound to be disappointed when I inevitably start watching next season, despite my best intentions not to.

Unrelated: there needs to be a universal symbol for sarcasm that can be used on facebook, twitter, text messages, etc. Because I far too often get myself in trouble because tone of voice and facial expressions get lost in online translation. I'm going to think of something and try to get it to catch on. It will be so fetch. Who's with me?!?

day sixteen - my short lived modeling career.

2011-03-13T14:49:00.003-06:00

Day 16 - some more pictures of yourself:

My friend Jeff Shipley took these photos of me a couple of years ago...and that was the extent of my lucrative modeling career haha. But seriously...he's really talented. Go check him out.

In other (much more serious) news, things in the world are a mess lately, aren't they? My heart just breaks for the people of Japan - what a tragedy. My prayers go out to them, and I just ask for God to be present there. It's hard to imagine any good coming of a tragedy of this magnitude, but with Him, all things are possible.

day fifteen - music!!

2011-03-12T09:24:00.003-07:00

Day 15 - put your ipod on shuffle and write down the first 10 songs that play:

1) "Since U Been Gone" - Kelly Clarkson

2) "Over My Head" - The Fray

3) "Find My Way Back Home" - Priscilla Ahn

4) "The Beautiful Letdown" - Switchfoot

5) "Pathetique Movement" - Beethoven

6) "Cowboy In Me" - Tim McGraw

7) "She's Always a Woman" - Billy Joel

8) "Free Fallin' (Live)" - John Mayer

9) "Love Song for a Savior" - Jars of Clay

10) "Soul Meets Body" - Death Cab for Cutie

Happy Saturday!

day fourteen

2011-03-11T20:35:00.003-07:00

Day 14 - a picture of you and your family:

I have been infinitely blessed with my family. I could go on and on and on about how much I love them and how wonderful I think they are, but I won't. All I will say is this: everything that is good in my life is tied to them. They are amazing.

(What a devastating and tragic event occured today. May God bless all those in need tonight.)

day thirteen - a letter to someone who has hurt you recently

2011-03-10T16:11:00.002-07:00

Dear Public Education Funding and US Economy,

Please don't take this the wrong way, but I hate you guys. I hate living every day embroiled in the uncertainty of whether or not my job will still be around next year. And, I hate the fact that I have a college degree from a fairly prestigious school, but the only jobs available to me are crappy hours, crappy pay, and almost certainly about to be dissolved completely.

Look, I know you probably didn't mean to hurt me. But the thing is, you have. And as much as I wish I was the kind of carefree person who could take all of this uncertainty in stride, I'm really not. Therefore, you are causing my stress level to be infinitely higher than it should be for any normal, single 24 year old.

However, if you start to improve your situation, I don't see why we can't work this out. All I ask is that you guarantee me a job for the next year or two, and start creating an economy that will allow me a prosperous and secure future. I really don't think it's too much to ask, but if you can't meet these requirements, well, there's not really anything I can do about it. But I will be angry, so there's that.

I am quite hopeful that we will be able to work this out...

Your completely powerless friend,

Kelsey M. Quinlan

day twelve.

2011-03-09T18:28:00.002-07:00

Day 12 - how you heard about blogs and why you started one:

Well, I'm fairly certain that I had a blog sometime in my angsty teenage years (although, to be fair, I was a pretty angst-free teen), but I abandoned it long before college. I decided to start blogging again when I spent a semester in Europe, as a way to keep my family and friends updated on my European adventures. After I got back, I kept up with it, because (to keep it simple) I like writing. I like to journal, but it's so much easier to type out everything than to write it by hand. Plus, I enjoy the feedback of my (few) friends and family who read.

So...there it is - the story of my blogging life :).

In other news, I had yogurtland today and it was so. dang. good.

day eleven - my pretty friends!

2011-03-08T16:56:00.004-07:00

Day 11 - another picture of you and your friends:

Well, since I (1) have some more time on my hands today and (2) neglected my blog yesterday, I think I'll put some effort into this one and post lots of pictures:

My goodness...my friends are so pretty. I've been so blessed.

day ten - some music.

2011-03-08T16:41:00.002-07:00

Day 10 - songs you listen to when you are:

- happy: "You Make My Dreams" by Hall & Oates. Probably because now every time I hear it, I see this.

- sad: "Jesus, King of Angels" by Fernando Ortega, because no other song makes my heart feel so calm and rested in the love of Christ.

- bored (or all the freaking time, actually): "Comes and Goes (In Waves)" by Greg Laswell. I. Love. It. So. Much.

- mad: "Rolling in the Deep" by Adele. So much emotion and so great to sing. Loudly.

On another note...I'm disappointed in myself for not posting this yesterday, but we had some friends over last night and by the time I remembered to do this, I was already in bed. And, as Meg says, the price I pay for having the bigger closet is that I don't usually get internet in my room. So...I weighed my options (getting out of bed vs. staying in it) and staying in won. Easily.

it is well with my soul. (day nine)

2011-03-06T19:32:00.002-07:00

Day 9 - something that inspires you:

this song:

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
- It is well, with my soul,
  It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.
But, Lord, ’tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul!
And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

day eight - some goals.

2011-03-05T20:25:00.003-07:00

Day 8 - short term goals for this month:

- consistency (I've rambled about it enough this past week...I don't need to do so anymore)

- lose a few pounds (swimsuit season is quickly approaching)

- finish reading all six of Ms. Jane Austen's novels (I've got two to go)

- file my taxes

- clean out my closet and donate some clothes to Good Will

- keep up with Karissa's blog (because she's funny and awesome, and because her super healthy lifestyle inspires me!)

and a picture, just for fun (snow makes everything beautiful):

day seven

2011-03-04T13:49:00.002-07:00

Day 7 - something that has had an impact on you:

What to write about? I think that it's part of what makes the human experience so incredible - our whole lives are an accumulation of things and people that have impacted us. I could write about my best friend Rachelle, who has been the most consistent friend imaginable. Or I could write about a tragedy that both devastated and united a community and taught my 12 year old heart the true meaning of life and loss. I could write about my high school youth group that gave me a safe place to start understanding my faith. I could write about my college friends who showed me how friends can be like family - learning and loving and encountering life together. I could write about one friend in particular who forced me to believe in my own strength, beauty and worth. Or I could write about my college, where I was given the tools to become the person I am today. I could write about a fire. About a ceremony. About a move. About a job (or two. or three.) Or I could write about discovering a passion for coaching basketball and the immense joy that discovery has provided. But I think that I will write about my family. Because while all of these things have had unknowable impacts on my life, nothing has impacted me quite like my incredible, accomplished, loving, driving, perfect-in-their-imperfection family. I have been blessed with the consistent presence of the most amazing people I know. I've said it before, and I'm sure I'll say it again: they gave me my life, but the have also given me life.

(And the greatest impact of all is this: that God so loved the world (so loved me) that He gave His one and only Son...)

Amen.

day six - Superman.

2011-03-03T19:15:00.002-07:00

Day 6: your favorite superhero:

No question - Superman. Need I say more? He is a super man.

(Plus...you gotta love the forehead curl.)

day five - Interlaken, Switzerland.

2011-03-02T13:31:00.006-07:00

Day 5 - a picture of a place you've been:

I have been blessed in my (relatively short) life with the opportunity to travel to many wonderful places. As an only child of two parents working in the school system (syncronized vacation schedules!!) I went on a lot of family vacations as a kid, and as a college student I was given the opportunity to participate in a study abroad program that found me literally traversing across Europe for four months. On top of that, I've lived in two of the most incredibly beautiful places on Earth - Santa Barbara, CA and Denver, CO. I've been a lot of places.

However, the one place that stands out to me more than any of the others is Interlaken, Switzerland. I can't exactly pinpoint why I love it there SO much, but I suspect it has a lot to do with the natural beauty of the place. I have never been so in awe of God's creation as when I was in Interlaken - the turquoise blue of the water, the majesty of the mountains, the wildflower covered hills - incredible. It's also one of the friendliest, most laid-back, vistor-friendly places I've ever visited. The food is good, the exchange rate is nearly 1-1, which is rare these days!, and it's so tiny that it's incredibly easy to get around.

>But I think what it really comes down to is this: the two times I've found myself in that idyllic mountain town, I've felt so close to God. I just remember this feeling of peace and joy enveloping me as I wandered through the mountains and sat beside the glistening blue creek with a good book. Really...it's just a fantastic place.

day four!!! (and a little more of three...)

2011-03-01T13:23:00.003-07:00

Day 4 - a habit that you wish you didn't have:

I think that the habit I am currently trying pretty hard to break is the source of this blog challenge: my occasional lack of discipline. As an aside, I have to say that I am very disciplined in the things that really matter. It's the little things that trip me up - consistently working out, journaling every day, taking my vitamins, not turning the tv on until the evening, not eating half of a box of cheese-its in one sitting, etc. I will get on a kick of doing something, and I'll be really good for the first few days, but once it gets a little bit difficult or requires more effort than I'm willing to put forth, I'm out. I'm not proud of it, but there it is. And I am trying to change it.

And now, because this is a kind of boring post, another awesome picture of my friends and me:

(PS - all photo cred. for this one and the last one goes to the lovely and extremely talented Jessica Fairchild Conrad.)

day three!

2011-02-28T14:39:00.002-07:00

Day 3 - a picture of you and your friends:

These are not my only friends, nor is this the only picture of me and my friends, but it's definitely one of the best in existence.

We're kind of a big deal.

Day two: the meaning behind your blog title

2011-02-27T17:11:00.003-07:00

"Daring to be happy" originates from 1 Peter 1:8..."you believe in Him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy." In this fallen and imperfect world, it really might be easier to spend my life being unhappy, scared, pessimistic, angry, etc. But with the help and love and mercy of my heavenly Father, I dare to be happy. I choose to find the inexpressible and glorious joy that he has provided. So...I am daring to be happy. Every day.

Day one of the blogtastic challenge!

2011-02-26T11:04:00.003-07:00

I am making an effort to be more disciplined in the small areas of my life - drinking more water, buying fewer snack foods, not hitting the snooze button, taking vitamins, etc. And in the hopes of facilitating this discipline, I am going to *try* to blog every day for the next 30 days. I Googled "30 day blog challenges" in the hopes of finding inspiration to write, and what do you know? I found a ton! So here it goes: the beginning of my 30 day blog challenge.

Day 1: a recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself:

1. I am an only child, but I spent my childhood with an imaginary friend named Vanessa. She wasn't very nice.

2. My middle name is Megan, but my uncle is the only person in the world who calls me that.

3. I refuse to watch scary movies - the scariest one I've ever seen is The 6th Sense, and I didn't sleep for a week after I saw that.

4. I was on a jumprope team when I was in elementary school and I went to a national competition at Disney World.

5. I am a basketball coach, and I love it so much.

6. My dream is that life was a musical (hence why I love Glee!)

7. I'm 6'0" and I haven't grown since 8th grade.

8. I was one of the shortest of my friends in college.

9. I currently work at the high school I graduated from...my senior year there I was voted "most likely to return to CSH." haha.

10. I have known my best friend since I was 6 months old...24 years and going strong!

11. My car's name is Heidi.

12. I've watched the entire FRIENDS series at least 10 times through.

13. I have a fish named Louie and my cousin recently had a baby and named him Louie. I'm pretty sure they named him after my fish.

14. My favorite people to spend time with are my parents.

15. God is first. Always.

restoring Hope.

2011-01-29T16:04:00.004-07:00

I'm sitting out on my back porch in the quickly fading evening light, desperately trying to soak up the last of this beautiful spring-like day. Don't get me wrong - I love winter. I love snow and all of the warm and cozy things that accompany it, but I do treasure these rare warm mid-winter days.

There is something incredibly pleasant about spending a lazy Saturday afternoon in solitude. Finishing laundry and tidying your room and reading on the porch with a glass of cherry limeade and finding that, in the midst of it all, that the alone-ness that you once found stifling is now what feeds your soul. Perhaps that's what comes of a vocation that requires constant interaction and conversation - I have now found my refuge in quiet.

We live in a time when more teenagers are having sex than aren't and girls believe that the only way they can be loved is if they are hot enough and self-worth is wrapped up in money and appearance and what they're willing to do, and most days it breaks my heart. Sometimes it feels like too much. And that's why I find my solace in solitude. In these moments of peaceful silence on my back porch chair, hearing the sound of my neighbors laughing and the washing machine running, with the sun shining in my eyes and the tree branches rustling in the breeze, I find, once again, the Hope that everything is going to turn out okay in the end.

I got glasses and a Christmas tree.

2010-12-04T20:13:00.002-07:00

The tree is tiny but festive.

The glasses are new.

In the past two days I have been told (by some of my favorite 14 and 15 year olds) that I look like the following: a librarian, a professor, a lawyer, and (my favorite) a genius.

(I LOVE CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!)

the very cliche "what I'm thankful for" post

2010-11-25T11:23:00.004-07:00

Today is (apparently) the day when you are supposed to reflect on all the things for which you are thankful. I attempt to do this everyday, because I have been extraordinarily blessed. However, sometimes I fail, and since today is a whole day specifically set aside for being thankful (and for eating...let's be real.) here it is: my 2010 thankful list.

1. My family.

2. My friends.

3. Having a wonderful roommate (who also happens to be a wonderful friend).

4. My education.

5. My job.

6. My health.

7. That my body has zero aversion to gluten or dairy allowing me to chow down on bread and cheese daily.

8. That God is on my team. He's the captain and the coach and all of the teammates. He's got it all under control, and for that, I am the most thankful of all.

Happy Thanksgiving!!

life moves.

2010-11-21T15:53:00.002-07:00

I sit at my kitchen table and look out the window at my right at the bare trees and the quickly fading blue of the winter sky. Alexi Murdoch sings me into the kitchen as I start making (yet another) dinner for one.

Life moves on.

It moves in the quiet moments - in the trips to the mailbox and the coupon clipping and the grocery list making. It moves in your roommates 25th birthday and the beginning of another basketball season. Moments pass and life moves.

I cut off nine inches of hair this week.

2010-10-24T16:06:00.003-06:00

Pride and Prejudice makes my heart happy.

2010-10-16T19:50:00.002-06:00

My Saturday evening:

- sweats

- hot chocolate

- this wonderful movie

I am truly in need of nothing else...

...(although, I wouldn't mind having a Mr. Darcy of my own).

Autumn in Colorado.

2010-10-10T08:21:00.003-06:00

I love autumn. (If you know me at all and especially if you read this blog, you probably already know that but it doesn't hurt to say it again.) When I lived in California, the most depressing time of the year for me was right around the end of September/beginning of October because everything. stayed. the. same. I was anticipating cooler weather and changing colors and an excuse to wear sweaters and boots and cozy jackets. Instead all I got was (yet another) 75 degree day. (I realize that many will scoff at me for complaining about continuous 75 degree days, but I like variety in my weather, dang it!)

But I'm no longer in California and I am once again getting to experience the wonder of Colorado fall.

My heart is happy.

In other news, I have started a new job (again) that I am loving. I feel so blessed and happy to have finally found a direction and purpose for my life, and I love that I like going to work every day. The one downside of the job is that I took a cut in hours from my last job, but it is worth it to have my happiness restored.

Here's a picture of the fam and me in the mountains recently:

Life is good.

Colorado fall = perfection.

2010-10-02T12:56:00.001-06:00

reflections on one year.

2010-09-10T23:21:00.006-06:00

I meant to sit down (probably wearing sweats and drinking tea) and reflect. I meant to take time to really think about it. I meant to dwell on it a bit. I meant to make something significant of the fact that I moved one year ago.

But then...life got in the way.

And I guess, in a way, that's the most poignant reflection of all. I have a life to get in the way of sitting and reflecting on the many ways things have changed during the past year. I no longer spend my time counting the days. I no longer spend my weekends wishing I was in Santa Barbara. I no longer wonder if I made the right decision in moving back to the home front. I'm here and life is here and I am happily living the day to day.

Yes...it has been a year. And when I think back, I remember that a year ago right now I was probably laying in the fetal position on my parents' guest bed crying myself to sleep. I remember how miserable I was...that I couldn't shake off the cover of melancholy and that simply getting up and out of bed was a chore. But more than that, I remember the way that the sun sprinkling through the autumn leaves awoke a little piece of my heart. And I remember the way that I quickly grew used to seeing my best friend every couple of weeks and how wonderful it felt to be able to share my daily life with my parents again instead of simply sharing it all via bi-weekly phone calls. And I remember the first time I stood outside in the silence of the falling snow and reminded myself just how much I love winter. And then, slowly but surely, my heart was whole again and I was happy again and my life was mine again and I was a stronger and more confident and more complete person. And I remember how I woke up one morning with the sun shining in my window and snow sparkling on the ground and I realized that I was happy.

So there it is - my reflections on one year. And while I sit here listening to Alexi Murdoch, just as I did almost exactly one year ago, I can truly say that even breathing feels alright.

ramblings on wind. and trees. and the state of my soul.

2010-09-05T13:31:00.001-06:00

It's another beautiful Sunday (although a little bit hotter than I would prefer) and I am once again sitting on the back porch at my parents' house enjoying the breeze, some iced tea, and the company of my dog.

(I love the sound of wind blowing through the trees...it reminds me of camping and my mountain upbringing and moments of spiritual clarity.)

Right now the trees are telling me to stop worrying about my future and to stop trying to plan everything and to just be. To be content. To lean my head back in this most comfortable lawn chair and watch the clouds float by in the endless blue sky.

Did you know that in Hebrew, the word for "wind" is the same as the word for "Spirit"?

Today, the wind is gentle and calming.

And today, my soul feels calm.

finding perfection in the imperfect.

2010-09-02T18:17:00.003-06:00

I'm sitting on my perfect back porch in the perfect evening sunlight in the perfect Colorado autumn weather with my (sometimes...okay, rarely) perfect pooch sitting by my side. In this moment, my life is, well....perfect.

There is a lot that is not perfect about my job, but since my day has been so wonderful and the sun is shining so beautifully right now, I'm going to take this opportunity to document the good things about my job and save them for a day when things are not looking quite so bright.

I walk in the door of my classroom every day to be greeted by bunches of beautiful (sometimes messy), smiling faces. I enter to squeals and shouts of "Miss Kelsey!!!!" and "I missed you!" and "look at my new pink cowboy boots...do you love them!?" Every day I am welcomed as if I were returning from a year long absence, not one of only a few hours.

I get to spend every day teaching these wonderful children things about the world. Yes, I get to teach them things like how to write their names and the seven days of the week and that there are twelve months every year. But I also get to teach them to treat their friends with kindness and that smiling gets you much further than whining and that if you share your lion toy with someone today, then they will surely share their elephant with you tomorrow. I get to see their little minds process the world around them and begin to understand things...that the leaves turn yellow in the autumn and that flowers come up in the spring. To understand that their mothers' name is not actually "mommy" but that's what we call them because they are our mothers. To understand that they are responsible for their own actions. And most of all, I get to see them come to realize that they are special, unique, and very loved.

Today I spent the afternoon in the beautiful Colorado sunshine while two little ones "painted" my hair and "decorated" it for me. I watched another one conquer his fear of the big slide and then proceed to go down it repeatedly for an hour. I talked with a child about his mommy and daddy and his sister and heard all the details of his soccer team and his favorite movies.

I have been given the honor of becoming a part of each child's life.

There is much that is wrong with the place that I work. And I will continue to search for new jobs. But until I find one, I can return here - to this place and this feeling - and know that I will survive. I will survive because of the smiling faces that will greet me tomorrow with every bit as much joy and excitement (and just as many hugs) as they did today and the day before that.

And that joy is enough to get me through even the longest of days.

beautiful Colorado

2010-08-28T21:43:00.002-06:00

Look at that sky.

Look at those mountains.

My Colorado heart is bursting with beauty-inspired joy...

...to God be the glory.

I have found joy.

2010-08-23T21:11:00.004-06:00

There have been a lot of things going on in my life that have had me in the "poor me" frame of mind. And they are legitimate worries - job troubles, money concerns, and less than ideal dating situations. But the thing is...I am so blessed...there is sorrow much greater than my own in this world.

An acquaintance/friend of mine from college lost her mom today to breast cancer. My former pastor's 6 year old daughter is battling cancer with a 35% estimated survival rate. One of my closest friends from childhood is battling brain cancer at the age of 24. She pushed her wedding back a year because she is so sick from chemo and radiation that she knew she wouldn't be able to handle a wedding right now. And the list goes on. This world is fallen and imperfect. It sucks most of the time. But in the midst of it all, we have been given joy. We have been given love unfailing. We have been given salvation.

Each day will have sorrow of its own. My job problems and money concerns are not going to disappear overnight. But each day is also going to have incredible beauty and unexpected blessings in great abundance.

I have found Joy. And it has made my life worth living.

updates galore!

2010-08-14T15:55:00.003-06:00

(Sometimes I wonder why I feel the need to update on here, because I don't think anybody reads this and I really don't think anybody who doesn't already know what's going on in my life reads this, but oh well. I'm doing it anyway. My blog, my rules.)

So...Rachelle got married. My best friend got married in the most perfect and wonderful wedding ceremony of all time. I don't think I can put it down in words because it was really just. that. good. I'm beyond thrilled that she has found such a wonderful man. And as I said in my Maid of Honor toast, I truly believe that Ryan is the best man to love my best friend for the rest of her life.

In other news, I moved into a new apartment recently. That's right...I made it out of the parentals' basement! (Not that living there wasn't great...it was genuinely the best thing I could have imagined for the first year back, but I'm excited about this change, too.) I love my apartment and love having Meg here and getting to live with her again. I'll post pictures someday...after we unpack and it isn't quite so chaotic.

I'm still teaching preschool. It's still just a job. Don't love it, don't hate it.

I just bought plane tickets to go to Santa Barbara for a weekend in October for a friend's wedding. I can't wait to see everyone and spend a little time at the beach :).

Autumn is coming. I can feel it in the crispness of the breezes and the chill of the early morning air. I love this time of year...something about it just speaks home and comfort into my heart.

Meg baked banana bread last night.

Life....life is good.

she's getting married!

2010-07-21T16:29:00.003-06:00

My best friend and I have always been the coolest.

And now she's getting married.

Pray for Daisy

2010-07-17T12:43:00.003-06:00

When I lived in Santa Barbara, I attended a church called Reality on and off. I didn't always love everything about that church, but the one thing that consistently amazed me and spoke to me was the pastor, Britt Merrick. Britt's sermons always seemed to speak to exactly what was going on in my life, and I grew quite a bit in my spiritual life due to his sermons.

Britt's daughter has been battling cancer for just about a year now. She has been in remission for the past few months, but they recently found another tumor in her abdomen and they are now fully immersed in this battle once again. Even though I don't personally know Britt or his family, the hardship that they are experiencing is tugging at my heartstrings lately. Daisy Love is 6 years old, and from the descriptions of those who know her, I gather that she is a bright, energetic, and sweet little girl with the beautiful, unswerving faith of a child.

Please take a few minutes and send up a prayer for sweet Daisy Love and her family...

Here is the website her family has been updating regarding her journey through cancer and her current status: http://prayfordaisy.com/

alleluia.

2010-07-11T22:14:00.003-06:00

The heavens declare the glory of God;
the skies proclaim the work of his hands.
- Psalm 19:1

preschoolers.....

2010-06-18T21:30:00.002-06:00

I'm sitting at the kitchen table with the sounds of the sprinklers running outside and the attic fan running inside. It's quiet and peaceful and I am glad.

I'm not sure I'm cut out to be a preschool teacher. Don't get me wrong - the newest job is a BIG step up from the last couple I have had (with the exception of working for you, Michele - that was the best job ever!) I feel like this is a job I can do for a while - at least a year - without wanting to die at the end of every day. However, I also have had a headache for two weeks straight. I'm hoping it will go away, but the evidence gathered by two weeks of work is saying that it won't, so I had better either get used to the headache or gear myself up for an Advil addiction. (Simply put: preschoolers are loud. And kind of annoying.)

I had an epiphany the other day, while I was struggling to get Ellie, my super-sweet but super-spastic lab, to stay on her dog bed in the corner of the room. No matter how many different ways I tried, she still snuck off the bed and ended up in the middle of the room, getting her dirty black hair all over the clean off-white carpet. The epiphany came about as I was saying for the umpteenth time, "Ellie, get. on. your. mat. Stay there. ELLIE! Sit. Stay!" whilst snapping - it was exactly the same thing I say at work. Literally. During nap time, this is me: "get on your mat. Lay down. Stay there. STAY ON YOUR MAT!" The epiphany is - preschoolers = animals. And I'm not sure I'm cut out for taking care of animals all day long.

The good news, however, is that each day is getting better. I'm getting into the swing of things, and while I'm fairly certain that this is a job I will never love, it is one that I can easily tolerate, and even enjoy at moments. I just know that, starting right now, I need to be praying for patience (and would appreciate others' prayers for patience, as well), because if I don't find some more of it somewhere (anywhere!) the next year of my life is going to be a long one, filled with lots of scolding and finger-snapping.

So...in conclusion - not my dream job. But one that doesn't make me want to curl up in a little ball in the corner of my room and cry every night. So....a step in the right direction!

And, in case you missed it before (because I know I miss it all the time...) God is good. He is faithful and merciful and just so good.

Amen.

summer!

2010-06-04T19:05:00.001-06:00

the sound of a lawn mower...windows open at night...sunscreen every morning...the smell of grass and afternoon rain...

...it's summer.

happy.

my new job(s).

2010-05-22T10:37:00.002-06:00

So...the last three weeks or so have been a little crazy.

Reader's Digest version: Got job at coffee shop. Hated job at coffee shop. Meltdown. Action plan. Got new job at preschool. Quit job at coffee shop. Happiness.

Extended version: I finally got a job at a coffee shop called Dazbog Coffee (a Russian-founded, Colorado-based chain who are feebly attempting to compete with Starbucks). Basically minimum wage, 35 minute drive from my house (which is even worse when you have to be at work at 5:30 am), and crazy foreign bosses (I have a knack for finding those, apparently...) were all factors that contributed to the quick realization that this job was perhaps the last thing I wanted to spend my time doing. After a week, I couldn't do it anymore, thus: meltdown followed by action plan. However, my action plan didn't actually have time to take place because the next day my mom drove by a preschool that was hiring, grabbed me an application, and 20 minutes later I was hired as a preschool teacher. The following day I put in my two weeks notice at Dazbog, and I am currently finishing out my last two weeks as a Barista for the Lazy Hills Dazbog Coffee. I start as a preschool teacher at Jordan Alexander's Preschool on June 7th.

Here's the thing: God is good. All the time, God is good. Not only do I have a full time job, but I have a full time job that I could potentially really love. God is good.

Amen.

new Greg goodness!

2010-05-05T17:25:00.001-06:00

Greg Laswell.....why are you so amazing?!

Take a Bow is all I will be listening to for the next couple of months. The man speaks straight to my soul.

so. freaking. good.

trust.

2010-04-30T10:09:00.002-06:00

trust -

is a lesson that i've been learning (in varying degrees of intensity) every day of my short 23 years.

sometimes it comes easily. but most of the time it doesn't. and after a short period of rest -

here i am again.

needing to trust. that there is a plan for my life. a plan to build me up, not break me down. that i am not walking alone through life. that the One who has brought me safely thus far will continue to guide my steps.

trust.

welcome home.

2010-04-23T16:51:00.001-06:00

This is my formal apology to you (the three or four of you who read these thoughts if mine) for my very extended absence. My quietness as of late is a direct reflection on my unwillingness to pay exhorbant fees for the usage of Internet. (Yes, Mom, I am aware of the many economic lessons present there. I'm simply choosing not to get into them right now.).

I have spent the past three weeks in Europe - London, Paris, Interlaken (Switzerland), Salzburg, and Vienna. It probably goes without saying that it has been an amazing three weeks. But it has also been an exhausting, trying, and revealing three weeks. I feel like I needed this trip. I needed to go out on my own (with a friend, of course!) and travel. I would say that I needed to get it out of my system, but that doesn't convey the quite right idea. I needed to see just a little bit more of the world, have just one more youthful adventure before I settle down into real life. And now that I have...I think I'm ready. I think I am ready to stay put, to get a job, to live in one place for more than a year. Simply put, I'm ready to start building a life for myself.

My trip was an incredible experience - we saw and did so many things. I will post some pictures and stories soon, but for now I content just to be home. The memories of the past three weeks will be with me forever, but my life is here and I am so grateful for that.

a prayer.

2010-03-31T22:02:00.002-06:00

may the Lord bless us and keep us...may He make His face shine upon us and be gracious unto us...may He lift up His countenance upon us and give us peace.

now and forever.

amen.

recently...

2010-02-17T21:29:00.004-07:00

...I spent a next-to-perfect week in beautiful Santa Barbara.

...I purchased a ticket for a three-week vacation to Europe.

...Lauren came to visit.

...I got fitted for my maid of honor dress while seeing my best friend try on the most beautiful wedding dress ever.

...I discovered a wonderful musical artist (Gregory Alan Isakov) courtesy of Mr. Gray.

...I turned 23. Weird.

...I realized that the 14 and 15 year olds with whom I spend the majority of my time have endeared themselves to me in such a way that the impending end of the basketball season (and subsequent absence of them from my life) breaks my heart a little bit.

...I have fully committed to watching season 9 of American Idol, beginning to end.

...Kellie and Zak got engaged.

...it's snowed a couple of times.

...and the universal truth remains: God is good.

i love this place.

2010-02-15T22:22:00.000-07:00

thank God.

i'll think of a witty title later.

2010-02-03T22:28:00.002-07:00

When I ran track in high school, my friends and I played a game called "Anywhere but Here." This game usually came about on days when the temperature had peaked at about 8 degrees and snow was whipping around at breakneck speeds and even the craziest of winter weather-lovers refused to come outside. We were the only ones out braving the weather, in our multiple layers of clothing that had to be stripped off at the last second so we could dash around the track through snow and ice and trying to avoid frostbite while wearing our little spandex running outfits. Well, us and our parents (even more miserable than we were, bundled up and sitting on the freezing metal bleachers. Bless their hearts.) Sitting on the grass in the middle of the track, wearing as many clothes as possible, and cuddled together to preserve body heat, we would play Anywhere but Here. We would close our eyes and imagine the place we wanted to be, which inevitably was somewhere at least 60 degrees warmer than the place we really were. Marisa's always included The Famous Jett Jackson (ex: "I would be on a beach in Hawaii with Jett Jackson.") I don't remember everyone else's (after all, not much can stand out more than The Famous Jett Jackson), but I do remember that I didn't have a norm. I just always wanted to be "anywhere but here."

I haven't thought about that game in a really long time...but the phrase popped into my head today. Not because I wanted to be somewhere else, but because I realized that I wouldn't want to be anywhere but here. And there aren't words to explain what a relief it was to realize that fact. Don't get me wrong - a large part of my heart is SEVERELY missing many of the residents of Santa Barbara, California right now - but I feel at peace here.

Speaking of Santa Barbara, I had a wonderful trip there. It's an indescribable feeling, really, to be in the presence of people who just know and love you so well. There were so many great conversations, so many joyful moments, and so much comfort in just being with my best friends again. I couldn't have asked for a better week. If only I wouldn't have had to waste a few hours every day on sleep!

In conclusion: life is good. And I am glad.

PS - my good friend Eric Rindal gives me lots of love in his blog, so I figured I would do the same, even though I strongly doubt that he ever actually reads my blog. Thanks for being awesome, Eric. There's your shout out.

so many happy moments...

2010-02-01T09:03:00.003-07:00

I am sitting on the floor of my old bedroom. The air still smells the same, the palm trees still blow outside, and the neighbors' footsteps are still too loud. It almost feels like I never left...but I did.

The greatest sense of relief surrounded me today, though, when I realized that I have enjoyed every second of this vacation, but I am also excited to go home (to snow and family and coaching and gas for under $3). There was a time when "home" meant palm tree lined streets and beachy breezes, but that time is no more. Santa Barbara (and the amazing people in it) will always be special to me, but it is no longer home.

That said, I can tell you that this has been the most perfect vacation I could have imagined. My only complaint is that there simply aren't enough hours in the day. There are far too many wonderful people here and just not enough time to give them all the attention they deserve.

I'll put up some pictures after I get back home, but for now, I will just say how extraordinarily blessed I am.

My heart feels full and at peace.

God has certainly been good to me.

last day.

2010-01-22T11:12:00.002-07:00

I'm writing this from the office that is not my office anymore. Today is my last day of work. I realized today that this is my third job in a year. How's that for turnaround?

People keep asking me what my plan is now, assuming that I have a plan (after all, why else would I be leaving such a great job?) Well, I will answer both of those questions. (1) I have no plan. And (2) I'm leaving because I basically hate it. There will probably come a point in my life in which I will need to take a job I hate simply for the money, but I haven't reached that point yet. And until I do, I refuse to do a job that makes me unhappy. I want to wake up every morning and be excited for the day, not dreading it. So, I'm moving on.

For now that means finishing the basketball season and then doing some travelling. And after that? I have no idea....and that's just fine with me.

So, for right now I'm going to go check my mail one last time (just in case) and then enjoy my first afternoon of unemployment (again.)

amazing grace, how sweet the sound.

2010-01-07T22:53:00.003-07:00

It's funny...

...I woke up today and realized that I'm happy.

Despite the uncertainty surrounding my future, the fact that I live in my parents' basement, having significantly fewer close friends than I did before, and being "chronically single" (as my friend Lara put it), I am happy.

Honestly, for a while there I didn't think it would happen. I had a few rough days (weeks...months...) when I (quite dramatically) worried that I would go through the rest of my life being just a little bit more unhappy than I had been before. But, as usual, I was wrong. And God was right (shocker, I know). And here I am - in a life I never expected - finding myself once again at peace and filled with joy.

Isn't it amazing? How He transforms it all? How He redeems it all?

Isn't it amazing that the simple truth - that His ways are better than my own - is so incredibly profound?

Isn't it amazing that He loves us?!

He. Is. Amazing.

i'm starting to understand what it means to be an adult...

2010-01-06T10:58:00.003-07:00

Being an adult means making difficult choices.
It means that you can't just sit back and let other people decide for you.
It means sometimes sacrificing something important to you simply because you have no other option.
It means that the choices you make are slightly more important than which pair of jeans to buy or whether or not you should go to your friend's sleepover even though the girl in class that you hate will be there.

But mostly, being an adult means not agonizing over the difficult decisions because you've lived long enough to know how much worse it could be.

a synopsis of my Christmas festivities...

2009-12-29T22:25:00.002-07:00

I know it's been a while since I was here. But life caught up with me and basketball games, Christmas celebrations, and long vacations got in the way of writing. But I'm back, and determined to write with more consistency.

I just got back from a long vacation to the beautiful state of Washington. I got to spend time with my dear friend Diane, who moved to Seattle after she graduated a year and a half ago, and this was the first time I'd seen her since her big move. It was wonderful to spend time with her again - she's good for my soul - and I really do love Seattle in spite of it's copious amounts of rain and humidity. My time with Diane was far too short, but I'm grateful that I got to see her at all. I just hope it isn't another year and a half until I see her again! This is us at "the wall" in Queen Anne...even though you can't see it, the view behind us was incredible!

After my wonderful three days with Diane, I got to spend the day with another of my dearest friends. Eric is awesome and drove all over the state to transport me from Diane's house to my aunt and uncle's house in northern Washington. In the process I got to see his hometown (Conway, WA - population 84. Whoo!), meet his family, and catch up on life. Eric is, simply put, the best of friends and a person who has bettered my life just by being a part of it. This is us enjoying Mt. Vernon. You should go there sometime - the water tower has tulips painted on it.

Eric dropped me off at my aunt and uncle's house in Van Zandt, WA (I don't know what it's population is because it's so small it isn't even listed on Wikipedia. Let's just say that Van Zandt has three town buildings - a church, a community hall, and a general store. It's kind of awesome.) I spent the rest of my vacation there, celebrating Christmas with my incredible family. I have truly been blessed with an amazing family whose company I enjoy greatly. It was slightly chaotic - 12 adults, 3 little kids, 1 toddler, 1 baby, 1 dog, and 1 puppy - but so perfect in that chaos. This is my cousin, Avery. My aunt has decided that Avery is a mini-Kelsey - not so much in appearance, but because she's a complete goofball and goes about 100 miles an hour all the time. She's just a doll:

Here is the newest animal addition to the Quinlan family - her name is Bailey. She likes to eat bark, and she was definitely the most popular member of the family over this break, especially with the kids.

And this is Macoy. He is the newest human member of the Quinlan family, and he's so cute it makes me want to cry. I see the goodness of God in those chubby cheeks and big blue eyes - what a gift and blessing this child is to our family. I only wish I could see him more than twice a year. Bathtime made for some adorable pictures:

All in all, a perfect vacation. I can't imagine a better way to spend Christmas. And now I'm back, re-settling into a life that is, one day at a time, becoming my own.

life as of late.

2009-12-08T21:23:00.003-07:00

I am anxiously awaiting the decision of the district....will school be open tomorrow or will the sub-zero temperatures win and let me sleep in and stay cozy in my sweats all day?

COME ON SNOW DAY!!!

In other news...life is moving at warp speed as of late. New York came and went in the blink of an eye, 3 months since California came and went without time for reflection, and Seattle is on the quickly approaching horizon. I'm glad for the busyness and the way in which I have settled into my life here, but the quickly approaching future always holds a bit of anxiety for me. I must remember, though - one. day. at. a. time. And this today holds quite a bit of joy for me.

I'm coaching a freshman girls basketball team....they are just all kinds of awesome. They're great in that awkward 14 year old way that I'm learning to find quite endearing. And, of course, I'm loving getting to coach and pseudo-play the game that I love so much. Added bonus: my dad is another of the coaches, so we're getting to spend a ton of time together.

Life as of late....well - has been great.

And I'm so grateful.

I Want to Go (Back) There!: Prague, Czech Republic

2009-12-03T13:13:00.003-07:00

This edition of I Want to Go There! varies slightly from the others in that it has to do with a place I have actually already been. However, Prague is pretty darn close to the top of my list of places to return to, so I think it fits in here just fine. (Plus, as I probably don't need to remind you, my blog, my rules.)

I have been to Prague once before, during my junior year of college when I spent a semester in Europe. (You can read about my first impressions of Prague right here.) It was, without a doubt, one of my favorite of the 17 different cities I visited during that semester. I was captivated by the beauty of the city, as well as the vibrant cultural life. From the beautiful Charles Bridge to the incredibly impressive Prague Castle, the city has so much beauty and life to offer to those who visit.

The Czech Republic (or Czechoslovakia, as it was known in the not-too-distant past) has had an interesting and difficult past, but in the past 20 years or so it has really come so far. My mom visited Prague when Czechoslovakia was still under Soviet rule, and she says the difference in the appearance and attitude of the city from then until now is unbelievable.

Despite the six days I spent in Prague a couple of years ago, there is still so much there I want to see and experience, which is why I want to go (back) there!

New York New York!

2009-12-03T13:03:00.003-07:00

For Thanksgiving this year, my family decided to ditch the traditional turkey feast and head to New York for a fantastic family vacation. We went with some dear family friends that my parents have known since before I was born and everyone had a perfectly lovely time. As my dad and Erica (Mead daughter #1) had never been to New York before, we did all the major things there are to do in New York - Central Park, Statue of Liberty, Ellis Island, Times Square, Broadway, The Rockettes, and lots of walking. We also were lucky enough to see the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade from some excellent front row "seats" (we weren't actually sitting....), and I have to say - the parade is much cooler in person than on tv! All in all, an excellent vacation with my amazing parents and some wonderful friends.

Stacy & me in Central Park:

Dad & Keith walking through "The Mall" (the most famous section of Central Park):

Family photo in Central Park:

Horton! He was my favorite of the many parade balloons (which are HUGE, btw!):

And finally, a group shot on Liberty Island:

My best friend's wedding...

2009-11-21T20:49:00.002-07:00

My best friend in the world is getting married!! Rachelle and Ryan are perhaps my favorite couple ever, and I couldn't be more thrilled that they are going to spend the rest of their lives together.

I am just so happy that I had to share with the whole world (via my blog that gets read by about two people...). Congrats, Shell and Ryan!!!!!!

I Want to Go There!: Torres del Paine National Park

2009-11-18T10:44:00.003-07:00

Torres del Paine National Park, located in southern Chile, first came onto my radar when I stumbled across a picture of it while flipping through a South America travel book (thanks, Rick Steves!) I didn't know anything about the park, but I was amazed at the stunning natural beauty.

Apparently the park is a popular hiking destination in Chile, with hiking trails that range from day hikes to 8-9 day backpacking adventures. The trails wind through the park, which holds mountains, glaciers, lakes, rivers, and some rare plant and animal life. Besides hiking, the park also offers horseback rides, sailing, kayaking, rock climbing, fly fishing, and many camp spots. Basically, it sounds like the outdoorsman's dream. The park rangers recommend visiting during the months of December - February, during the southern summer. Because the park is located so far south, these months offer an abundance of daylight hours and pleasant temperatures.

Sounds great to me...see you next December, Torres del Paine!

I Want to Go There!: Prince Edward Island

2009-11-16T09:21:00.009-07:00

I've lately been inspired by some of my friends (Eric, Elise, and Kellie to name a few) who have been writing some series in their blogs. I think I want to begin my own series of sorts. It's going to be called: I Want To Go There! Since I'm basically travel-obsessed right now, I'm going to put some of my spare time at work to good use and research some of the places I want to visit. And then I'm going to write about my findings here. Perfect!

So, without further ado: I Want To Go There! installment #1: Prince Edward Island

I've wanted to travel to Prince Edward Island (or PEI to those in the know) ever since I was a child and read my childhood favorite book, Anne of Green Gables over and over and over again. Then I watched the movie and it was a done deal - I knew I had to get to PEI at some point in my life. According to PEI's official website, The Gentle Island (such a quaint nickname!) is much more affordable than you may think, and the "tranquil days, stunning views, and dazzling colours are all free!" PEI is a well-known golf destination, and while I'm not much of a golfer, the beautiful costal courses are appealing even to me! The island also offers a variety of sightseeing and historical tours, the most exciting of which (to me, anyway) is the Anne of Green Gables tour. And, most of all, the island itself seems to be absolutely beautiful.

So...someday soon I will get myself to PEI.

And hopefully I'll find myself a Gilbert Blythe while I'm there.

Thank you for reading. Please tune in next time for installment #2 of I Want to Go There! (destination TBA).

flippin' your fins you don't get too far...

2009-11-12T23:08:00.007-07:00

All day I've had "Part of Your World" from The Little Mermaid stuck in my head. It's mostly been the line: "...but who cares? No big deal....I want morrree!" but other parts of the song have been making random appearances also.

This is in no way unusual or embarrassing for me. What is embarrassing, however, is getting caught singing that line (loudly) in the bathroom at work when you think you are alone...

I was simultaneously washing my hands and having a momentary lapse into childhood - enjoying the excellent acoustics provided by the tile floor and walls and singing into a fake microphone - when out walked a woman I didn't know from one of the stalls. What do you even do in that situation?! Stop singing and apologize? Laugh? Keep singing? Walk away with your head down and pretend it never happened? I went for the last option, but I would definitely be open to suggestions for what to do if it happens again (because let's be real...this is me we're talking about - it probably is going to happen again.)

But hey - such is a day in the life of me...and I love it.

has it really been a year?

2009-11-12T21:09:00.004-07:00

One year ago tomorrow, there was a fire.

It's simple to remember the fear and sorrow. It doesn't take much prompting to remember the feeling of ash ground in to my skin as I sifted through the remains next to a teary-eyed professor hoping to find just one photo left intact. I often remember driving up to campus that first time and seeing buildings black and sunken to the ground.

What I choose to remember, however, is the community that came together. I have to fight back tears when I remember standing in a crowded gym surrounded by strangers and friends all clapping in a feeble attempt to thank some very worthy firemen. And I choose to remember the president of the college bursting in through fire-guarded doors (or so I'm told...) to spend the night in the gym with his students.

But most of all, I cannot help but remember the faithfulness of our great God.

Blessed be His name.

reflections on two months.

2009-11-08T22:18:00.003-07:00

I've started this post three different times now.

I don't really know what to say.

I guess the best way to describe the way I've changed in the past month is this: I've stopped looking at this phase of my life as an ending. I'm learning instead to see a beginning.

...and what a beautiful, difficult, exhausting, terrifying, exciting, snowy beginning it has turned out to be.

time to change.

2009-11-06T17:58:00.002-07:00

How you spend your days is how you spend your life.

Thank you for your wisdom, Ms. Dillard.

...how I spend these days is so far from how I want to spend my life. Sitting inside while the world spins outside my door is not my dream. I want to spend my days seeing, feeling, tasting, smelling, living...because that is how I want to spend my life.

It must be time for a change.

a war.

2009-11-04T23:03:00.003-07:00

Part of me wants a plan. A schedule would be nice. The certainty of the future set before me.

Part of me wants to embrace the adventure. To accept the unknown is it's mission. The excitement of an unknown future.

These parts are at war.

The outcome is yet to be decided...

The MOXY Project!!!

2009-10-30T11:05:00.000-06:00

If you have been reading my blog for any amount of time, you know about the awesome person in my life named Michele Mollkoy. I could just go on and on about her (and, in fact, I have), but this particular time I would like to rave about her new business. One of Michele's greatest gifts is her ability to mentor and coach in a fresh, uplifting, and effective way. The Moxy Project is all about this gift. I strongly encourage you to check out her site, and her blog! I am so excited that Michele has a blog - she has incredibly insightful and thought-provoking things to say. Also, she's an incredible writer.

I am so blessed to know Michele. Go check out her site and see for yourself what an amazing and gifted person she truly is!

www.themoxyproject.com
www.themoxyprojectblog.com

three saturdays a week is something i could definitely support.

2009-10-28T22:50:00.002-06:00

Today was a good day.

It snowed today. And though I have written that sentence in this blog many times in the past seven weeks of my newfound Colorado life, this is the first time that I can say it SNOWED today. Multiple feet of snow are on the ground outside of my little red house. The trees are bending under it's weight and my arm muscles may never recover from the strain of all the shoveling.

As a (beautiful and glorious) result of the snow, however, school was cancelled. And when school is cancelled, so is my job! I have never been more happy to be awakened at 5:00 in the morning. And as an added bonus, school is cancelled tomorrow, also. So tomorrow I get the joy of the unplanned day off without even having to endure the early morning phone calls that typically accompany such days. I'm so happy - it's like being given the gift of two extra Saturdays!

(Side note - where were all of these snow days when I was a kid?! I mean, sure - there's a lot of snow. But when I was in elementary school, this NEVER would have passed as a snow day. Instead we all would have made the trek to school and spent the day inside wishing we were out in the white washed wonderland teasing us outside those classroom doors. I think that the Jeffco School District is growing soft in it's old age.)

Today was a day of sweats, reading, tomato soup and grilled cheese, wii fit with my dad, and some good tv. And, to top off an already fantastic day, I got the joy of talking to Eric AND Renee today.

My heart feels cozy and warm as I bring this day to an end: wrapped in a blanket and wrapped in happiness.

amazing grace.

2009-10-23T22:15:00.003-06:00

Tonight I opted out on a haunted house outing with some new friends in favor of a movie night in with my daddio. This decision was partially because on my list of things to do in the world (particularly on a Friday night at the end of a long week), going to a haunted house is at the bottom, followed only by being forced to swim with sharks or spelunking. (I'm very claustrophobic. And sharks are just plain scary.) But mostly I skipped out on the haunted house extravaganza because Dad and I decided to watch the movie Amazing Grace. If you haven't seen it, go watch it. Right now.

I'm sitting in bed now with the pressure of unshed tears behind my eyes. And they aren't tears of sorrow or of loneliness or of anything to do with me, but tears of being completely overwhelmed by the beauty of a story and the wonder of grace.

I long for more moments like this....moments when I am overwhelmed by grace. This is a moment in which I am remembering my insignificance and the fact that God's love has made me...well...significant.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.
T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear
The hour I first believed.
Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come;
'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home.
The Lord has promised good to me.
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.
Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.
When we've been here ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise
Than when we've first begun.

mourning the loss of my dear Ralphie.

2009-10-20T21:24:00.003-06:00

Today, friends, is a very sad day. Today is the day we mourn the death of Ralphie aka "Little Bitch."

Ralphie was a great hamster, aside from the short phase of biting with razor-sharp teeth he went through when he was newly purchased. Besides the fact that he's the cutest animal I have ever personally owned, he was a precious and entertaining pet.

Ralphie went peacefully, enjoying his favorite activity: napping after a vigorous run on his wheel.

He will be dearly missed and never replaced.

Rest in peace, Ralphie...all of your mommies miss you!

waiting for the laundry to dry.

2009-10-19T22:13:00.002-06:00

I'm beyond ready to go to bed right now. So why am I still awake, you ask? I will tell you: because I'm waiting for my laundry to dry. Seriously. I suppose I could just leave it be and get it out of the dryer in the morning, but then my clothes will be all wrinkly. Not to mention the fact that the buzzer on the dryer would scare the living daylights out of me if it went off after I fell asleep. So, all things considered, lying here in bed completely ready to fall asleep and waiting for my clothes to dry seems like the best option.

Maybe I should have started it earlier...oh well: such. is. life.

one of my proudest moments:

2009-10-15T12:21:00.000-06:00

College was awesome.

making lists.

2009-10-13T13:41:00.005-06:00

My friend (and fellow Coloradan) Kurt is currently traveling Europe on the same study abroad program that I participated in two years ago. I'm loving his blog for selfish reasons (namely, living vicariously through him and pretending that I'm back on the best semester of my life) but also because Kurt is an incredibly insightful and intelligent human being with very interesting things to say. Go check out his blog - you won't be disappointed.

I like to make lists. Mostly I like them because it helps me to stay organized and to accomplish everything that I need to in any given day. But I also like to make lists because I enjoy the feeling of accomplishment when I cross something off of my list. Example: sophomore year at Westmont, during finals week, I made a to-do list that was four pages long. I taped it up on the window next to my desk and crossed things off with brightly colored markers as I completed them. When the last thing had been crossed off, I had a celebration with my next door neighbor that consisted of dinosaur shaped Ritz crackers, hot chocolate, dancing and watching Friends. It was great. And I'd like to attribute some of that greatness to my list.

Sometimes, though, I am guilty of adding things to my list simply so that I will have something to cross off (example: make a to-do list). This stems from the same part of me that would always write my papers single-spaced so I could go at the end and make them double-spaced and feel really good about the amount of pages I had written.

Today was an add-unneccesary-things-to-the-list kind of day.

(Proof: number 3 on my list reads "write a blog entry about making lists".)

Number 3 is now crossed off. And I'm already feeling more accomplished.

my list of travel destinations is growing dangerously long.

2009-10-12T21:36:00.003-06:00

I recently added the "Places to See" application for my igoogle homepage. Every time I refresh the page it shows a new picture of some amazing place that I can only dream of seeing in real life. I thought it would be a good break from the monotony of text that dominates that page. Instead it has become a constant reminder of where I'm not. And yet, I can't bring myself to remove it. I sit at my desk and refresh time and time and time again so that I can see another picture and add another place to my list of places to see (latest addition: Machu Picchu, Peru, just in case you were wondering.)

The list is growing.

Is it time to adventure on? I'd like to think so...

Or, at least, I'd like to hope so.

reflections on one month.

2009-10-07T21:02:00.002-06:00

One month.

It's amazing to me that so often in my life one month has felt like the smallest amount of time. A month can fly by in a heartbeat. This, however, has not been one of those months. This month, in fact, has lasted for nearly a lifetime.

This has been a month of many tears, many lonely evenings alone, many doubts, and many sorrows. However, this has also been a month of growth, change, reality, and a whole lot of God. This is a month that I will look back on as one of the most difficult of my life. But I will also look back on it as one in which I grew the most.

I don't always believe that brokenness leads to growth. I often find it to be an idea carelessly thrown about within the Christian culture by those who have been taught that the only way to get attention is to appear "broken." I think there is a lot to be said for being whole and confident in the Lord. I do know, though, that the Lord uses more ways and means than I could ever understand and, in some cases, brokenness is a means to growth. And this has been the case for me this past month. With so many of the things I relied on in my life taken away - friends and a vibrant social life, my own living space, a job I enjoyed, and confidence in my own future (to name just a few) - I have (finally) given up the charade of self-sufficiency and crawled back to the feet of Jesus.

(I don't deserve his mercy, but I abundantly receive it all the same.)

This has been a month that, quite frankly, I would care to never repeat. But I also know that I am a better person (currently less bright and shiny than usual, but better nonetheless) for having survived it.

And now the only place to go is further on and further in, moving towards the "rest of my life" full of hope and fear and joy and sorrow, but always full of the ever-present Love of God.

sorry, but i don't actually like pumpkin spice lattes.

2009-10-05T10:12:00.009-06:00

It is indisputably autumn here in Colorful Colorado. If the vibrant red and gold leaves and crisp, chilly temperatures weren't evidence enough, the Halloween decorations that have appeared over the weekend can certainly provide the proof. There are currently pumpkin lights hanging above the garage and a scarecrow sitting on the porch swing and a graveyard appearing in the yard next door.

Did you know that if you type in http://www.foofle.com/, you will still end up at http://www.google.com/? I'd like to thank the genius computer programmer who anticipated that typo.

I always like to play the one-year-ago-today-I-was.... game. I enjoy thinking back on my life and seeing the ways that I have changed and grown. So....one year ago today, I think I was on the first year retreat with Westmont College, hanging out with two of my favorite men:

Not much has changed since then, honestly...(but everything has changed...) I'm in a new state, a new home, a new job, and a new stage of life. But my heart is in a similar state of tenderness tempered with desperate dependence on God.

Two years ago today, I was in Krakow, Poland. I'm not sure of the exact day, but I was either at Auschwitz Concentration Camp experiencing one of the most surreal and difficult days of my life:

Or I was on The Crazy Communist Tour expreriencing one of the most surreal and entertaining days of my life:

Three years ago today I was, I'm sure, enjoying the confidence and contentment of being a sophomore in college.

The days pass slowly, but the time has gone by so quickly...

And right here, right now, in this year - I'm surviving. There won't be any pretty pictures or exciting memories for me to look back on that will mark this day. Frankly, this day is just another in a long chain of days that find me searching for contentment amidst the mix of courage and fear. But I hope that, one long (but really quite short) year from now, I will be able to look back on this day as a day that I lived fully.

That would be enough for me.

Thank you, Lord, for this gift of life.

emergency rooms and animal crackers.

2009-10-01T10:50:00.002-06:00

So, for the past year and a half, I've been doing this one-word-for-the-post-title thing. And, while it has worked well for me, I think that this post (the first post of October) will mark a new period. One in which I do whatever I want for the blog title.

ANYWAY....

The leaves are changing and the autumn weather has blown in during the night. I walked outside this morning to be greeted by temperatures that leave your cheeks rosy and your fingers tingling long after you've retreated to the warmth of the indoors. I actually love this weather - I just need to get used to it again. My blood has been thinned by my years of living in Santa Barbara, where 50 degrees is considered "freezing." From where I sit in my office, I can just catch glimpses of the blue sky peeking out from behind the leaves caught somewhere between green and gold. My dad and I are going to go hike up in the mountains this weekend - I'll be sure to post pictures next week so that all of you who live in a place devoid of seasons can be jealous of the beautiful place I live in now.

Things are pretty lowkey in my life right now. It's funny when I talk to friends in Santa Barbara because it seems like SO much happens in their lives every day. I suppose that's to be expected with school and jobs and a lot of people around things just happen much more quickly. For me, however, life consists of work and church and not much else - it just moves a bit slower.

Tuesday, however, was a crazy day. Let's just say that I spent the majority of it with a ten year old in the emergency room.

No, actually, let's say more: I was walking through the parking lot on Tuesday morning when I saw a counselor running towards me. She informed me that one of our girls had hit her head on the playground and was "bleeding everywhere." I, of course, snapped into Supermom mode and ran over to the little girl, and they were right. She was bleeding EVERYWHERE. It was, frankly, quite disgusting. After a few minutes of evaluation and a phone call with her dad, I decided to take her to the ER so they could look at it and see if she needed stitches. Well, multiple hours, lots of blood, and a fight between me and the lady who wouldn't check us in because I "wasn't the parent" (I won, by the way. Don't mess with me when I'm wearing the daycare polo and have a bleeding child with me.) we learned that she would, in fact, need something to help heal her head, and staples were the method of choice. Luckily, Dad walked in right before they were about to put seven staples into this poor child's head, so he got to be the one to deal with the paperwork while I comforted (and nursed my fingers that she may have fractured she was squeezing them so hard). Needless to say, it was quite the adventure. Also, she showed up this morning and was super excited to show off her staples, so I'm pretty sure she's doing okay.

Alright, my government mandated 15-minute break is now over, so I'm off to do such exciting things as ordering mass amounts of animal crackers from Sam's Club and filling out a CCAP attendance report.

Hope you're all having a wonderful, adventurous day.

pictures.

2009-09-27T21:34:00.013-06:00

Earlier this weekend, I decided to finally transfer some old pictures onto this computer, which I got during my junior year of college. I couldn't stop laughing at all of the wonderful people and silly moments I found from my first two years at Westmont. So, because it's my blog and I can, I'm going to share some of the favorites with you:

(Disclaimer: they're in reverse order of when they happened, but I'm too lazy to switch it all around. Again - my blog, my rules.)

The girls at spring formal sophomore year:

Possibly the most disturbing photo - Will, Brandon, & Jason at Spring Sing:

Ha. I have no idea:

Eric and I during Potter's Clay sophomore year - why does he have marker on his chin?! Also, I am VERY excited:

B. Woods as a leaping gazelle. Impressive, no?:

Juliann and Scott at Sadie's - polar opposites:

Ryan and Jon all buckled in & safety conscious on our sophomore year camping trip:

The Boodles looking glamourous at Emily's birthday celebration:

Josiah. 'Nuff said:

hahaha. Christie looks like a fish:

giant group of pumpkin carvers/pumpkin gut throwers sophomore year:

I just love this one:

Brandon and Jon being, well, Brandon and Jon:

Me being super hardcore in Montana the summer after freshman year...:

...followed by Emily & I realizing that it's impossible to be super hardcore when you're wearing these glasses:

I've been so blessed....

silence.

2009-09-24T23:06:00.003-06:00

Tonight I'm writing in silence. I'm generally a background music kind of girl (well, actually, I'm a sing along really loudly and sometimes dance to the music kind of girl, but that doesn't always lend itself to a good writing environment).

But tonight music would wash away the sounds of laughter and love and friendship (even from miles away) that my heart needs to imprint before I close my eyes. So I write to remember. But I write in silence.

(thank you for: friends-for sharing little moments-for laughter and honesty-for warm apple pie---for falling asleep with a smile).

life.

2009-09-22T21:05:00.003-06:00

This is a picture of me as a child. Feel free to make fun of me. Everyone does.

I feel like I've been extra-specially dramatic lately. And, to be fair, I'm in a stage of my life that speaks to the dramatic...life changes tend to do that. However, I miss the humor and joy that I am typically able to find in the small moments. So, for the next few minutes anyway, I'm going to search for the joy.

I'm sitting in Starbucks right now, utilizing their free internet (thanks to having a registered gift card...) because the internet at my house currently isn't working. This shouldn't be a big deal, really, except for the fact that 90% of my current social life depends on the internet....thank you gmail and facebook chat. Anyways, I'm just sitting here at an out of the way table right by the door to the patio, minding my own business, when a girl walks in and falls down. Seriously. She just fell down right in front of me and spilled her coffee all over my feet. Now, maybe this makes me a bad person, but I almost started laughing. Who does that?! Don't get me wrong...I was (and still am) concerned for her well-being, but as soon as she stood back up and assured me that she was, in fact, okay - it was all I could do to keep from laughing outloud. I mean, come on - that's funny. Really, it's funny because it's the kind of thing that would happen to me.

Also today, I got to actually hang out with the kids at work. Usually I only spend a few minutes with them, picking them up from school or hanging out with them until a counselor comes back from the bathroom, but today we were short-staffed, so I got to spend a good amount of time with them. They were insane. Maybe it's because of the cold weather or maybe it was the fact that there were some new kids or maybe some sort of alignment of planets and moons...but for whatever reason they were wild children. So, I did what any logical person would do in that situation - I made them run laps. For every lap they did around the playground, I gave them one Skittle. (It's amazing what you can get kids to do with the promise of candy...). I can't even begin to tell you how funny it is to see 25 kids running in circles around a playground and then ending in front of me with hands extended for one single Skittle. Best moments of my job thus far.

And now I'm going to go back to listening to the incredibly talented Elise Witek...her album has become the soundtrack for my life since I moved back to Colorado (go download it on iTunes right now...). And I think I'll read the latest entry on my friend Eric's blog. You should probably go read it. He's pretty funny, I guess.

Have a good night.

And here's to finding the joy...

love.

2009-09-19T22:14:00.007-06:00

Bundled in my flannel pj pants and an old highschool sweatshirt, tonight I rocked myself on the porch swing, enjoying the kind of chill that only follows a perfect Colorado day. I listened to the silence (which is not actually silence at all, but the sound of life being lived) and felt little pieces of my heart start to fall back into place as I remembered just how much I love this place. With the breeze cooling my cheeks and the crickets singing in the background, I finally let my mind wander in a way that I've resisted until now, afraid of what may appear there.

I thought about two weeks (that feel like a lifetime) ago, when I was surrounded by the most wonderful of friends. I thought about each person in that tiny apartment, there simply to say goodbye to me, and thanked God for who they are - for who they have helped me to become. I miss them (I miss all of you) in a way that doesn't fade with time. Photos hang on the walls and cover the many flat surfaces of my new room...reminders of happy times with those dearest to my heart.

And though it hurts (it actually physically hurts) my heart, the smile which graces my lips when I think of that goodbye party (and every moment that went into every friendship represented there) reminds me that the ache in my heart simply exists because of the many blessings I have been given.

And now, I fall asleep with a heart quiet and peaceful because of the Love of God...the Love that sat next to me on the swing and speaks to me in the evening breeze.

update.

2009-09-13T11:22:00.006-06:00

I decided it was time for a life update that is a little less vague and emotional than the past few have been. Today, for the first time in a week, I felt the smallest glimmer of joy again. I'm still far from perfect, far from not being lonely. But today, it feels like somewhere, somehow, my world will be right again.

I went to a new church this morning, all by myself. I just walked in, went right up to the information table and started asking questions and signing myself up for things all over the place. If I'm going to make friends here, I'm going to have to be intentional about it and put in a little bit of effort. Anyway, I loved this church. It's a younger congregation, but still lots of families around; modern music, but not out of control; lots of small groups and home groups to get involved with; and 80% of the congregation was wearing either North Face or Patagonia jackets. And, if that wasn't enough to draw me in, the message was unbelievable. It's like the pastor read my blog and my journals of the past month and then preached about it. I sat in the back with tears welling up, this time not because I was sad or lonely or scared, but simply because of the awesome power and sovereignty and LOVE of God. He is so good.

Here are some photos of my life in Colorado:

My parents' house (and mine too, for the time being), complete with Heidi in the driveway:

My new room in my parent's house (please note the peach-colored walls and the fact that Friends is playing on the TV):

And another angle:

And my most faithful companions for the past week...

Crazy-sweet Ellie girl:

and Jeff the Cat:

(Eric - I was going to include a picture of Vanessa for you in this section also, but then I remembered that I can't. Because she's invisible. So you'll just have to imagine what she looks like. I'll give you a hint, though - she looks like me, only I'm way prettier...obviously.)

Yes, my heart still hurts and I'm still feeling a bit lost and confused. However, as I sit here on the back porch in the perfect fall weather, with the sunlight spilling into my lap and a cool autumn breeze ruffling my hair across my face, the parts of my heart that so deeply longed for this place are waking up. It will take some time, but I think I can learn to love life here.

God is good, isn't He?

I'll leave you with two things:

1) The lyrics to the Alexi Murdoch song "All My Days". If you don't know this song, go download it right now. Seriously - right now...this can wait.

Well I have been searching all of my days
All of my days
Many a road, you know
I’ve been walking on
All of my days
And I’ve been trying to find
What’s been in my mind
As the days keep turning into night

Well I have been quietly standing in the shade
All of my days
Watch the sky breaking on the promise that we made
All of this rain
And I’ve been trying to find
What’s been in my mind
As the days keep turning into night

Well many a night I found myself with no friends standing near
All of my days
I cried aloud
I shook my hands
What am I doing here
All of these days
For I look around me
And my eyes confound me
And it’s just too bright
As the days keep turning into night

Now I see clearly
It’s you I’m looking for
All of my days
Soon I’ll smile
I know I’ll feel this loneliness no more
All of my days
For I look around me
And it seems He found me
And it’s coming into sight
As the days keep turning into night
As the days keep turning into night
And even breathing feels all right
Yes, even breathing feels all right
Now even breathing feels all right
It’s even breathing
Feels all right

2) a picture of me looking (mostly) happy in Colorado. (Michele - recognize the scarf? Also, I wore one of the sweaters I bought when we were at Old Navy together yesterday, so it's like we were hanging out. It's my new favorite article of clothing.)

I pray that today you will be overwhelmed with the strength of the love of God....

(...and then even breathing will feel alright.)

survival.

2009-09-10T19:40:00.004-06:00

steps to survival:

1) go to the doctor since you haven't eaten for the past 6 days. get tested for an ulcer. wait for results.

2) admit that you are, in fact, human and may have made some mistakes.

3) realize that, in His mercy and glory, God can and will redeem those mistakes.

4) understand that nothing has to be permanent.

5) figure out a way to have your own space, even if it means moving down into your parent's basement with peach-colored walls and a mountain goat head mounted in the corner.

6) start. praying. not the half-hearted, only-when-there's-something-really-important-that-i-want kind of praying that you have been doing. acknowledge that you may never get your act together and just lay it all down at His feet.

7) look out your window at the beautiful colorado sky and remember that there is Something greater than you out there. Someone who loves more fully and more deeply and more perfectly than we can know. Someone who's purposes always prevail over our own.

May the Lord bless us and keep us tonight and always...

clinging.

2009-09-10T08:46:00.003-06:00

"Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings. My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me." - Psalm 63:7-8

My soul is clinging to the Lord...

morning.

2009-09-09T08:37:00.003-06:00

I woke up this morning to a clear blue sky and sunlight pouring through the window. While my heart is still very tender, it was a pleasant reminder that I do, in fact, like this place that I have decided to make my home.

I'm getting ready to go to my first day of work. I'm nervous beyond belief, but I'm excited to have something to do today besides sit and unpack and think about what I've left behind.

I'm sure I'll be back tonight to tell you tales of the first day adventure and further lament my loneliness...

"My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken...Trust in him at all times, O people; pour our your hearts to him, for God is our refuge." - Psalm 62:1-2 & 8

(prayers are still very much appreciated.)

sad.

2009-09-08T19:26:00.004-06:00

I could easily lie right now. I could say that everything is great...that I'm totally at peace and happy with my decision to move to Colorado. I could say that I'm not doubting why I'm here...that I'm not having maybe the biggest freak out of my life. I could say that I'm happy.

But I'm all about the honesty lately, especially right here (this is my blog - I can say whatever I want.) And what I want to say is that right now is not good. I'm not good.

Until the moment I walked into the front door of my (parents') house this evening, it wasn't real. And now it is so real: Guess what, Kels? You're not going back to California in a couple of days or weeks or months. You're here now. And here to stay, at least for a year.

And I know it's right and that (eventually) it's going to be amazing. But right now is just really, really sad.

(but thank you, Jesus, that you are sitting here beside me on this bed as my mind reels...

...and the tears fall.)

prayers.

2009-09-07T20:51:00.002-06:00

I'm stuck in between my past ocean dreams and my future mountain life.

I would prefer either over this middle ground.

If you're feeling in the praying way, I would appreciate some prayers for peace.

My heart is feeling sad.

leaving.

2009-09-06T17:08:00.006-06:00

Leaving is hard. Especially when you have wonderful friends who love you so well...

...and you are leaving them behind.

It's easy to question your decisions, to rethink your convictions, to doubt the direction in which you are moving. I thank God that, despite a little anxiety and a lot of loneliness, I am not questioning, not rethinking, not doubting.

I'm trusting.

This has been a most difficult and wonderful week. But I've gotten to spend much of it with some of the people I love most in the world. Also, they're all just beautiful. Look:

I am blessed beyond belief.

And now I venture on, full of love and hope.

May God bless you all, my friends.

blessings.

2009-09-04T19:02:00.003-06:00

Today I walked on the beach and talked about life with my dear friend Eric.

I ate frozen yogurt and played on a rope swing with my new friend Renee.

I drank coffee and giggled with my soul sisters Allyson and Michele.

And now I have a whole apartment full of wonderful women cooking me dinner in the next room.

My heart feels full. I am so blessed.

goodbye.

2009-09-03T20:19:00.002-06:00

i really wish that going there didn't mean that i have to leave here.

i hate saying goodbye.

parentals.

2009-08-19T22:54:00.002-06:00

joy.

They gave me life...and then they gave me life.

Words do not exist to explain how much I love them.

(I'm the luckiest kid in the whole world).